


green lawn cemetery

by tylrjsph



Category: Twenty One Pilots, Tyler Joseph - Fandom, josh dun - Fandom
Genre: Art, Depression, Gay, LGBT, M/M, Painting, Sad, Sad Ending, Sad!Josh, Suicide, artist!tyler, gravestones, joshdun, sad fic, sad!tyler, twentyonepilots - Freeform, tylerjoseph, tøp - Freeform
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-02-17
Updated: 2019-09-26
Packaged: 2019-10-30 11:08:16
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 17
Words: 28,242
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17827439
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tylrjsph/pseuds/tylrjsph
Summary: "So you just show up at funerals on your free time?""No. I'm here everyday. Sometimes people have funerals when I'm here."ORLife was game, and Josh was losing.





	1. O NE

**Author's Note:**

> I'm warning you all now that this entire book will have triggers in pretty much every chapter. It includes suicide and those kind of topics so please don't read this if you are sensitive to those things.
> 
> the song is Broken by Lund.
> 
> stay safe <3

Quiet footsteps could be heard, along with humming as Josh walked towards his house. This was a routine for Josh since school started. He would get home around four thirty and his sister, Ashley would be home as well. Soon, Jordan and Abby would come barging into the door at about 5. They usually stayed after school so they could get their homework done.

 

   Even though it was only september 28th, Josh didn't like high school. He always hated school for feeling like an outcast. He thought dying his hair a vibrant color would help add onto his friend group, but boy was he wrong. Nothing good came from dying his hair except for the fact that he liked it. Currently, it was a bright pink. Ashley had asked him to dye it that color, and he didn't mind. Josh always wanted to make sure she was happy.

 

The two siblings had a very close relationship. Josh was always there for Ashley, and she was forever grateful for him. The younger girl would always support Josh's actions and encourage him, and he always needed encouragement because he doubted himself a lot.

 

No one gave Josh that piece of safeness like his sister did. He couldn't live without her.

 

Josh smiled to himself as he thought about the surprise Ashley said was waiting for him. A few days ago, a box came in the mail. Ashley grabbed the package from Josh and said to him that he would find out soon what it was. Maybe today was the day, he wondered.

 

Tugging his hoodie on his head, Josh began walking faster to get home. After he approached the door, he quickly unlocked it.

 

"Ashley?" Josh frowned when he heard no response. She always answers him. Had Ashley still been at school? Maybe she was with friends. Wouldn't she have told him that she wasn't going to be home?

 

Stepping into the Kitchen, Josh didn't see her. He called out her name again. No response. He walked into the living room. She wasn't in there either. Perhaps she was upstairs in her room.

 

He quietly walked upstairs and looked around. The bathroom was the closest to him. Three loud knocks later, she still didn't answer. He opened the door with his eyes closed. He didn't hear a sound so he opened them. She wasn't there.

 

Ashley's bedroom was the last place Josh resorted to. After knocking and hearing no response he opened the door.

 

He stopped breathing at the sight. Ashley had blood all over her body. There was gun in her left hand. So much blood. Pools of red circled her small frame. Josh closed his eyes.

 

This couldn't be real.

 

There was no way he had just seen that.

 

   Josh's first instinct was to run. He wanted to run fast and run away and pretend like he didn't see that. He wanted to leave the house and walk back into seeing Ashley eat cereal on the couch.

 

   However, this is reality. Josh grabbed his phone out of his pocket and pressed nine one one. He wanted to talk to his mom, but how could he possibly tell his mother that his sister, her daughter was dead? And that she choose it? The letter near her limp body made Josh feel worse. This was all real. This was happening.

 

"Nine-one-one, what's your emergency?"

 

"My sister k-killed herself." Josh spoke quietly, as if he didn't want Ashley to hear. He stared at the clock. It was 4:46. Jordan and Abby would be home soon. He couldn't let them see her like this.

 

"Are positive she's not breathing? Can you check for a pulse?"

 

He shook his head quickly. "There's-there's blood everywhere, she's not alive." The boy whispered.

 

"What's your address sweetie?"

 

  Josh couldn't even think as he told the women his address. His hands were shaking so bad and he didn't know what to do. Everything was moving to fast.

 

"Would you like me to stay on the phone with you until the paramedics come?"

 

"Please." Josh's tone was needy. He couldn't look at his sister. He's never be able to get the image out of his head.

 

  Seeing your little sister dead and bloodied with a wound from a gunshot in her wasn't exactly something you could just forget.

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Josh. W-what's yours?" It was hard to talk when he was only a few feet away from a dead body, but he needed a living person to be with him right now, even if it was on the phone.

 

"Debby. Look, you're in shock right now, but you need to breathe for me, okay?"

 

Josh nodded, soon realizing that Debby couldn't see him. "K-kay." He was trying to breathe but the tears and his shaking and the mental image of Ashley was too much.

 

"How old are you?" Josh gasped for air, hands still shaking.

 

"Sixte-I-I mean S-Seventeen."

 

"Your sister?"

 

"Fifteen."

 

Only two minutes later did the paramedics come. It was an awful sight, to say the least.

 

  Her limp body was loaded onto a stretcher as Josh cried. They asked if he wanted to come, but he shook his head. Why would he want to see his dead sister more than he already had?

 

   What would he said to Abby and Jordan? How would he explain to his 11 year old brother and his 8 year old sister that Ashley had done such a thing?

 

   Anxiety swirled in the pit of his stomach. He was the only one who knew. Josh couldn't stand being here anymore. He grabbed the note and walked out of his house. The forest was always a calming place to him. Once he had gotten to the designated area, he sat down.

 

   He cried until he lost the ability to. Even though Josh was alive, he couldn't have felt more dead. He felt nothing. The pink haired boy still hadn't read the note. He decided that now was better than later.

 

_Josh_ ,

 

I know you're going to find me first. I'm sorry this happened. I just can't live anymore. I'm such a burden. I'm one of those glass half empty people, if you get what I mean. I can't constantly think about leaving and wanting to die. It's too much for me to handle. Thank you for being there for me Josh. I'll love you forever. You were so important to me. I definitely wouldn't have lived this long if it wasn't for you. Forgive me for this. Tell Mom, Dad, Jordan, and Abby that I love them. Sorry Josh.

 

Ashley

 

p.s. _surprise_.

 

 

  Josh threw up. He didn't even eat anything today but he threw up what was left in his stomach.

 

Every bone in his body ached. It felt the happiness of his world had been sucked out. All blue skies were now a dark and stormy grey. Any good memories were something he didn't want to remember. Everything had changed.

 

Josh was new at this. He had never experienced a death in his family that he could remember. This wasn't fair.

 

Even the trees looked wrong. It looked like the long branches would take you all the way up and then unexpectedly drop you. The trees looked dark and scary. The ground surrounding him was no the longer fresh grass and dirt he had always remembered it to be. It was grey and black and different.

 

In your life, unexpected things happened. Everything is meant to happen for a reason. This couldn't have been true. Ashley wasn't supposed to die at all. Life was game, and Josh was losing.

 

If he would've been there maybe 30 minutes before, maybe, just maybe, she would be alive.

 

But she wasn't.

 

A surprise it sure was.


	2. TW O

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> dark paradise by lana del ray

Nothing compared to the feeling Josh felt right now. You could combine every problem he has faced in his lifetime and throw it at his face, yet it wouldn't even come close in comparison with what he was dealing with at the moment. The thought constantly crossed his mind. That mental image of his bloodied little sister was impossible to erase. What had made it worse was that no one in his family understood.

 

Nobody could grasp the feelings Josh felt.

 

Maybe the reason it hurt him so bad was because he knew there was nothing that could fix this. There wasn't a magic wand Josh could wave and reverse time. His sister couldn't be brought back to life. A bloodied body couldn't be removed from his vision. That just wasn't how it worked.

 

Had anyone asked if he was okay throughout this entire thing? No, they didn't. Even though he found her dead. Even though he found the note.

 

 

Sometimes Josh felt extremely sad and sometimes he didn't feel anything. Right now, it was one of those times. Pushing away every memory you have with someone who's dead is never a good thing. People say you're supposed to remember the good memories with those who are dead. You're aren't supposed to just try and forget about them, which was exactly what Josh was doing.

 

Denial. Josh had been through it at least ten times. He kept telling himself that it wasn't Ashley he saw. He constantly thought that he was just going crazy and that there was no body at all. It was all in his head.

 

But it wasn't. This was one hundred percent real. That may have been what hurt the most.

 

Suppressing everything you're feeling in order to help other people feel better wasn't a smart thing to do. But Josh was a good person. He cared more about other people's happiness than safety of his own.

 

It was a good thing about a person until it ate them alive. It was good, until you stopped caring about yourself completely. It was good, until you forgot that you had feelings too.

 

Currently, the pink haired boy was getting dressed into his suit. Relief filled him earlier, when his mother had told him that the casket would be closed for the viewing. Some people believe seeing your loved one just one last time would give you closure. Josh didn't believe that. Not in this situation at least. Seeing Ashley again would just bring back what he was trying to avoid.

 

To be completely honest, Josh was even sure if he would last the entire funeral. He didn't know if his mind could take that much hurt all at once again. He didn't know if he would be able to put on a sad smile and say thank you to everyone who would walk up to him and say sorry for you loss.

 

When he stepped out of his car and saw the ceremony, it was so much to take in. Graves were all around him and the many seats placed on the grass were all empty. They had to get here before everyone else. They were her immediate family, after all.

 

The casket was a dark brown color. Different types of flowers were neatly arranged on top of it. There were so many graves around him right now. For Josh, it was creepy to know that there were so many dead people around him—one being his sister.

 

Three days ago, Josh had asked his mother if the casket could be pink. Ashley's favorite color was pink, so Josh thought it would be nice to ask. Maybe she'd be thanking him if the casket was pink. His mother said no, however. This resulted in Josh crying again. But that seemed to be the only thing he knew how to do these past six days.

 

What was Josh supposed to do though? He couldn't just go back to his regular routine and pretend everything was fine. It clearly wasn't.

 

At an attempt to be optimistic, Josh tried to be happy about the light pink flowers on top of the casket. He tried to think that his sister was in a better place. He tried to be okay, he really did. It was hard.

 

Although he wouldn't ask, he wanted to know if Ashley had pink flowers in her pale hands. To be fair, there was lots of things he wanted to know. He would never ask them though.

 

As the ceremony started and more people began filling in, Josh's eyes were closed. He wasn't going to listen to the pastors meaningless words and people's condolences. Sure, he was fully devoted to being a christian and believed in god and he was grateful that he had family that cared for him, but he wasn't in the mental state to really listen to anyone right now. Josh was silent as tears ran down on his face.

 

It was too much. Josh ran. He was running away from the people and the pastor and the dead body that everyone's saying is his sister. The 17 year old didn't even care as he stepped on people's graves. He just wanted out. No one dared to call back for him. They knew better.

 

Even though Josh could barely see or breathe, one certain thing caught his eye. There was a boy sitting on a grave. He was painting scribbles all over where the name should be.

 

Confused, Josh stopped running and walked up to the boy. This time, he got a closer look at him. Slightly curly light brown hair covered his head. Dark brown hollowed eyes and pale lips concluded his appearance. The boy looked sick. Black jeans covered his legs and a long grey sweater covered his arms.  Collarbones were visible on the boy, simply because his sweater was too big for his body and that he was so skinny. Age wise, he looked about 17.

 

Josh decided to approach the stranger. "What are you doing?"

 

The boy looked up, startled. "Painting."

 

Josh frowned. "On a grave?"

 

The boy smiled slightly, sheepishly shrugging.  "Consider it like a decoration, a present, if you will." Josh was confused by the sentence but didn't ask any questions. Instead, he sat down next to the boy, watching him paint intricate lines over the name it once said. Red and black filled the grave, making it stand out. Josh was quiet for a bit as he stared at the boy's art work.

 

"It's like a gift? To the person?" Curious, Josh questioned him. He didn't want to push it too much, but he did wanna know why the boy did that.

 

"Are you here because of that funeral?" Surprised, Josh's mouth slightly fell from the blunt question. Josh didn't realize he avoided his question.

 

"How can you say that so casually?"

 

"I'm here a lot. I've seen more funerals than years you've lived."

 

"How do you know my age?" Josh wondered aloud.

 

"You're not twenty yet, right?" He guessed.

 

The pink haired boy shook his head. "I'm seventeen."

 

"I've seen lots of funerals. Aren't they awful?"

 

"That's my sister." Josh spoke quietly, making the brown haired boy's eyes widened.

 

"That's terrible. How old?"

 

"Fifteen."

 

"What's your name?"

 

"Why do you keep changing the subject? Mine is Josh, what's yours?"

 

"I don't feel like talking about that anymore. I'm Tyler."

 

"How many funerals have you been to?"

 

"Too many. I've never known anyone who died, though."

 

"So you just show up at funerals on your free time?" Josh questioned, looking slightly distressed.

 

"No. I'm here everyday and sometimes people have funerals when I'm here."

 

"You're here everyday?"

 

"Yes."

 

"Doesn't it get boring?"

 

"Not really. Sometimes if I don't feel like painting I'll count all the graves. Everytime I do it the number gets bigger."

 

"You're strange."

 

"So are you. You're avoiding your sister's funeral for your own mental reasons and talking to me." He pointed out.

 

"Has anyone ever asked you to leave while they were hosting a viewing?"

 

Tyler shook his head. "They don't see me. I'm quiet so they don't notice."

 

"Oh." Josh didn't know what to say so it was silent for a bit. Tyler was watching the funeral intensely, mumbling the same words the pastor was.

 

"Why isn't the casket open?"

 

Josh stared at Tyler in disbelief. "You can't just ask people that, Tyler. What if she got murdered or something?"

 

"Did she?" Josh glared at him. Tyler blushed, looking flustered. "S-Sorry, I just don't-don't really talk to people that much, really. Not good with social norms, I guess. You don't have to tell me if you don't want to."

 

"She killed herself. Her face was too damaged to have an open casket."

 

"That's a murder, actually." Josh looked away from the viewing and at Tyler, directly. "Sometimes to stay alive you gotta kill your mind, because if you don't, it will kill you. Her mind killed her. She didn't kill herself." Tyler mumbled quietly.

 

Josh had never thought about Ashley's death like that before. It scared him to think that demons in her head provoked her death, but Tyler made sense. Maybe that's what actually happened.

 

"You know what hurts the most about all of this?" Tyler looked up from his painting and at Josh, signaling he was listening. "She gave me a clue. She said she had a surprise for me a few days before she did it."

 

"This is one of those questions I probably shouldn't ask but I'm going to anyway. How did she do it?"

 

Deciding to just tell Tyler instead of argue, he quickly said it. "Gun."

 

"That's what I thought. How did she get a gun?"

 

Josh never thought about that either. How did she get a gun at fifteenth? Surely that was illegal at her age. How did that happen? That must have been why she was so frantic to get the package from Josh that day. It was gun. Chills went down his spine at thought of holding her cause of death.

 

The casket was being placed into the ground the next time Josh looked up. Looking back down, Josh sighed.

 

"I don't really know. I don't wanna find out either."

 

"How are you feeling?" Josh didn't answer for a while, as he was trying to think. This was the first time anyone had asked him that since this whole thing happened. That meant a lot. It felt like someone finally cared about what he had to say.

 

"Honestly?" Josh stared at Tyler, making eye contact with his lifeless eyes as Tyler nodded. "Awful. I've never felt this much pain in my entire life then the past six days. Everything hurts and I miss her so much. We were best friends and I can't believe that I never realized she was hurting. I'm so oblivious and I hate it."

Quickly, Josh wiped away the tears forming in his eyes.

 

Tyler stared at the older boy for a second. "I'm sorry that this happened to you, Josh. A boy like you shouldn't have to go through stuff like this. I know my words mean nothing to you and I'm sorry. I wish I could make you feel better but I can't. My words are meaningless to you, and I'm still sorry although it doesn't help you at all."

 

What Tyler said may have seemed like nonsense to anyone besides Josh, but Tyler could understand what Josh feeling even though he had never dealt with it before. Josh felt grateful to know that Tyler was trying to help and understand even though he never has.

 

Ashley's casket was almost fully buried when Josh looked up. He sighed. Josh would have to leave very soon.

 

"Can-can I have your phone number? I'd like to talk to you more, if you don't mind."

 

"I would give you it if I had a phone." Tyler smiled sadly. "I'm here everyday though. You can come visit me if you'd like."

 

"Every day?"

 

"Every day." Tyler smiled. Josh slowly got up, brushing stray grass off of his dress pants.

 

"I'll see you tomorrow, Tyler." Josh turned his head and began walking away, unaware of the fact that the note Ashley had left him fell out of his pocket.


	3. TH RE E

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two by twenty one pilots

The rain always was a calming aroma for Tyler. Grey skies and bright thunder made him excited. Again, Tyler was at Green Lawn Cemetery, sitting against the grave with black scribbles covering it. Letting out a sigh, Tyler threw his head back, staring up at the raindrops threatening to hit his eyes.

 

The sound of the thunder striking the ground made the boy at ease. Rain had always been his favorite weather, and today was no different. He's been quiet for a while, just enjoying the peaceful sounds the flowing water was providing. Inhaling, Tyler looked up at the clouds, trying to grasp every detail.

 

These types of days were his favorite. It was one of those days where Tyler had no worries and just stayed by the graves the whole day. His mother never bothered him about staying here, although sometimes she missed him because he was here a lot. Rarely, the brunette would go home, such as today. He came home at early morning, careful not to disturb anyone. He only came to grab his floral kimono, as he has been wanting to wear it lately.

 

Multiple times before, Tyler had tried to find the article of clothing but wasn't successful. He found it down the basement, along with his old notebook and an expired paint set that still worked perfectly well.

 

Due to the rain, the beautiful detailed drawing on his left hand was slowly washing away. It was a shame, really. Everything always seemed to fade away before someone could find the beauty in it. Tyler wasn't like everyone else, however. He was much more of an observer, if anything. Small things usually stood out to Tyler before the whole picture. Details always appeared to him easier. The boy would much rather observe someone than talk to them. There was so many interesting things about people, who wouldn't he want to know about them?

 

Messy handwriting and meaningful lyrics filled the pages of the worn down notebook. Tyler was careful to hide the notebook under the tree near the stone he always drew on, just to make sure he didn't mess up the papers. Although Tyler was fully aware that the things he wrote were just going to stay on that page and that page only, it still had a significant amount of meaning to him.

 

As much as Tyler wanted to paint on himself so more, he found it stupid to waste perfectly good paint when it was going to wash off. On the other hand, he thought it would be stupid to waste his time painting on himself when he could be enjoying the rain. Obviously, he chose the later. It wasn't everyday that Ohio had thunderstorms and rain.

 

Most people consider the rain as sad and dull, Tyler, however, didn't agree. From a young age, Tyler was told that rain was god's angels crying. Something about that seemed comforting to the boy. Raindrops would always saturate is pale skin, leaving him feeling cleansed. Almost like god sent angels to disinfect the sins from his body. Occasionally he would question his beliefs, but everything went away when the rain did.

 

Quietly, Tyler hummed, allowing his muscles to relax as he laid down next to the grave, on the wet grass. Droplets of water tangled into his hair, as he breathed out. The rain would always be his favorite weather. Nothing would ever change that. Soaked clothing didn't bother him at all as he laid down with his eyes closed.

 

His relaxed state was interrupted when he heard a voice. Dark brown eyes abruptly opened, only to meet with a light shade of brown. Almost toffee like. Judging from his face and unordinary hair color, it was the boy from yesterday. He felt slightly relieved that it was him, and not someone who was unfamiliar with, although he wasn't exactly familiar with Josh.

 

"You like the rain?" Josh asked the brunette, already seeming to know the answer.

 

"No." Easily, Tyler responded. "I love it."

 

"Is that so?" The pink haired boy inquired, sitting down in the grass next to Tyler, despite it being wet. He noticed the black scribbles on the grave again, although he didn't say anything about it. He laid down on his back, similar to Tyler's position.

 

"Indeed." Tyler assented, nodding his head slightly.

 

Josh looked at a Tyler, wet droplets of water already cascading down his faded like pink hair. The two boys looked at each other for a bit, almost admiring each other's features. As usual, Tyler observed the smaller features on Josh. He noticed the sharp jaw structure he had, the light colored freckles that dusted his cheeks, and the dark brown, almost black hair growing it at his roots. Tyler always noticed small things.

 

So did Josh. Tyler had dark circles under his eyes, and crooked teeth, which he saw when he was talking. Light brown hair that looked dark now, likely because of the water that had fallen on it. Tyler was strange looking to Josh. He had never seen a boy look like him, but he didn't look bad. If anything, Tyler was kind of aesthetically pleasing to Josh. He didn't know why, but Tyler's face was strangely attractive.

 

"Why?" Tyler looked away from the clouds and at Josh in confusion. "Do you like the rain, I mean."

 

Tyler hummed, nodding slightly, allowing Josh to know he had heard him. "It's always been calming to me." Tyler turned to Josh. "Do you believe in God?"

 

Josh instantly nodded. "Of course."

 

"I think that rain is God's angels crying. It's like a reminder that he exists for me." As he spoke, Tyler subconsciously tapped his fingers on the wet grass. "It's also beautiful, too."

 

Honestly, Josh agreed. "Yeah." He whispered.

 

Peaceful silence filled the air. Tyler's presence slightly made Josh more relaxed, even though he was surrounded by so many dead people, which included his sister.

 

"What was your sister like?" The brown eyed boy stared up at the clouds as he asked the question. Josh could only assume that he was talking about Ashley.

 

"Amazing." Josh smiled sadly. "But isn't that what everyone says? They try to only remember good things about the person and only speak good of them because they pity their dead bodies, right? They never cared at all until she was dead. I did, though. I really did. Isn't it funny, though? That people say prayers in the dead's names' but they never cared when they were breathing."

 

"You're not like everyone else, Josh." Tyler spoke quietly.

 

"I've tried to convince myself that." He spoke sadly. "But I know it's a lie. I'm just like them. I didn't notice she was hurt."

 

"She didn't want you to know if she didn't tell you, Josh. You can't blame yourself if she kept that secret from you."

 

The pink haired boy shook his head. "I should've known something was wrong."

 

Tyler sighed. "Ashley never told you about it because it would hurt you, too. That would make her feel worse. She could never do that to you. It would eat her alive." He informed him.

 

A skeptic look was shot at the younger boy. "How are you so sure of that?"

 

Tyler shrugged, a slightly uneasy feeling pooling into his stomach at the question. "I-I can feel it."

 

"I like your kimono." Josh changed the subject.

 

A slight blush appeared on the younger boy's face as he lightly smiled. "Me too. People used to make fun of me for wearing it, though."

 

A frown was painted onto Josh's light pink lips. "They stopped now?"

 

Nodding, "Yeah. They don't talk to me anymore." Tyler confirmed.

 

"Why?"

 

Tyler shifted uncomfortably. "T-They uh, stopped acknowledging me. I obviously don't care, but, uh, yeah."

 

"Oh." Josh mumbled.

 

Again, the subject was changed, except Tyler was the one to start, well, restart the conversation. "You never answered my question, you know."

 

Brown eyebrows furrowed in confusion at the boy. "Which one?"

 

"I only asked you one question, Josh." Tyler reminded.

 

"About Ashley-my sister?"

 

"Yes." Tyler said, slightly annoyed with Josh's obliviousness, although he could tell Josh was naive when he met him.

 

"I answered you."

 

"You said three words and then ranted about how everyone says that. I asked about your sister, not about your opinions." Tyler often came off as rude, but he really didn't mean it. He wasn't really around people, so it wasn't like he had grade A social skills.

 

Josh didn't mind the rudeness that radiated off of Tyler, however. Instead, he just answered the question more descriptively. "She was my favorite out of all my siblings. Most people will probably believe that I just changed her to be my favorite because she's dead. It's not though. We were really close." From the way Josh was speaking Tyler could tell he was being genuine. But then again, emotion wise, there wasn't much about people that Tyler couldn't tell.

 

"What happened to make you guys stop being close?" Tyler curiously queried.

 

"We were always close. Nothing stopped it. I'm saying it past tense because she's dead." Josh answered.

 

"You're so calm about this whole thing. How can you just say your sister's dead so casually?"

 

Shrugging, Josh looked up at the sky again. Rain drops poured on his eyelashes, making them appear to be longer and darker. "I've got to get used to what's facts. I can't get continue to get upset every time someone says she's dead when they're right."

 

Tyler nodded distractedly. His thoughts were somewhere else by those few sentences, and he couldn't help but wonder if that's what all people did when someone close to them died. "That's smart, but bad. You're pushing away what you really feel."

 

"I'm not pushing it away, I'm just not showing emotions in front of people." The pink haired boy concluded. "She was a great girl. I wish I would've known what was going on in her head."

 

"Don't blame yourself for something you can't control, Josh. It's the worst thing you could possibly do."

 

"See, that's where you're wrong, though." Josh argued. "If I would've paid more attention I-"

 

"Would have never noticed." Tyler interrupted. "When someone's hiding something like that, they're going to make sure people don't know about it. Trust me on this."

 

With a frown, Josh looked up at Tyler, brown eyes meeting dark brown ones. "You don't understand, Tyler."

 

Biting his lip, Tyler restrained himself from saying anything. He couldn't tell Josh that he understood him, as that would tell him to much.

 

"Okay." Whispered Tyler. There was no reason in arguing, there almost never was. Maybe Tyler didn't understand it exactly, but he definitely saw it happen.

 

"I'm sorry. It's just-have any of your siblings died?"

 

Distractedly, Tyler didn't answer, his dark eyes locked on the scribbles he had made on the grave earlier. "You shouldn't be sorry. I'll never understand it."

 

"I came across as rude."

 

"It's okay." Tyler's eyes still hadn't met with Josh's.

 

"What are you thinking?"

 

"You will never understand what I believe, Josh."

 

"Then explain it to me." He suggested, looking back up at the sky.

 

"No," The tired looking boy shook his head. "Not today. Maybe someday."

 

"Do you have siblings, Tyler?"

 

"Three. All younger then me."

 

"Do you love them?"

 

A frown fell upon the teens face. "Of course. Don't you?"

 

"Yes." He answered quickly. "Imagine if one of them died."

 

Tyler stiffened when the words came out of his mouth. He looked emotional, almost as if he was going to cry. "I-I, We-we don't talk anymore. They're practically dead to me." Frail was the only way to describe Tyler's voice. Although Josh was sometimes clueless, he could easily tell Tyler was upset, however, he was confused by Tyler's wording.

 

Confused, Josh looked at Tyler. "What?"

 

"We're not in contact. I-They, uh, I see them but they don't talk to me anymore."

 

"Why?"

 

"I'd rather not talk about it."

 

A sigh escaped his lips, but Josh didn't want to push it. If Tyler was uncomfortable talking about it, he wouldn't force it. There was no reason to make him uncomfortable. Josh respected Tyler."Okay. That's fine."

 

"There's this place that I wanna take you to."

 

"Me?"

 

"There's no one else I'd be talking to." Tyler chuckled. "Unless I was talking to the dead bodies. But that would be kinda hard because they probably can't hear me six feet under."

 

"Where do you want to take me?" Josh questioned, turning his head to look at Tyler.

 

"There's this house. It's pink and abandoned. I found it in the forest. It's so scary but so amazing. I think you'd like it. I paint on the walls sometimes."

 

"Are you sure it's safe?" Nervously, Josh inquired.

 

"Of course. I go every week, at the very least."

 

"Alright, I'll go. Promise me you won't leave me alone in the forest?"

 

"Why the hell would I do that?"

 

"People are mean, Tyler."

 

"I promise. I have no bad intentions with you. You haven't done anything for me to want to upset you or anything. And even if you did, I probably would forgive you."

 

"Do you forgive people easily?"

 

"Depends on the person." Tyler easily responded.

 

"Oh." Mumbled Josh. Tyler stood up, his curly hair, now a dark brown instead of his usual light brown, falling on his forehead. Tyler held his hands out, Josh gratefully taking them to help him stand up. The pair began walking in a comfortable silence.

 

Rain cascaded on the ground and trees, almost making it look like the ground was catching the tears of the trees. Thunder was rumbling as the trees shook from wind. The sight was scary, but beautiful.

 

"I've put a few things in the house because I come there so often. It's abandoned, but I left my stuff there."

 

"What stuff?"

 

"Sometimes it gets really cold. I have four blankets, two pillows, a sleeping bag—wait actually, two, and a bunch of art stuff. I also have matches and candles because it's dark when I paint. Plus a few pairs of clothes because I always get paint on them. There's a worn out mattress on the second floor, but I usually sleep downstairs because I'm waiting for a painting to dry."

 

"What kind of stuff do you paint?"

 

"Whatever I feel like, really. I have this one painting on the right wall of the bedroom, and that's my favorite though. It's a drawing of man, laying on a bed. Above him is a fan. But, this man isn't just a man. It's all black and white until you look in his mind. The drawing shows his head cracked open, which leads to a city of colors. The wall is white, so it's basically just a drawing until the crack of his head."

 

"Is it gorey?"

 

Shaking his head, Tyler responded. "No, not at all. Wherever blood is supposed to be, it's just colors. All the colors meet up at the floor, because his head his hanging off the bed, and that's when they all come together and make the colored mess."

 

"I can't wait to see it."

 

Tyler grinned, and started running. It startled Josh because he wasn't expecting to run. However, Josh always loved running in the rain, and he didn't mind doing it with Tyler. "Come on!" Tyler yelled, grabbing Josh's arm and intertwining their fingers as they run. Sprinting with Tyler was quite like running with a deer. His fawn like, innocent facade allowed him to give off a safe vibe without trying to.

 

If only it wasn't a lie.

 

He looked so sad when he wasn't running and smiling. And even when he was running and smiling, his tired eyes looked like they were someone else's. Maybe he was sad because of the person on the grave. Maybe, they weren't supposed to die and Tyler couldn't handle it.

 

But, Josh was usually oblivious and Tyler took that to his advantage. He was masking things from Josh. He simply couldn't find out much about Tyler because that would be bad. Right?

 

The enthral scenery the forest provided truly captured both of them. Tyler almost wanted to stop running so he could admire the display in front of him. Rain poured down and the trees shivered. They were almost there. About a minute later, maybe even 30 seconds, had they arrived.

 

The house was indeed pink. You can tell it was abandoned by the chipped wood on the door and by the slightest of plants growing on the walls. Tyler had already released Josh's hand and had opened the door before Josh could realized.

 

"This is so nice," Josh whispered in awe.

 

"Let's go inside. We can change if you want."

 

"Okay." Josh shivered.

 

Rain dripped from his curly pink hair and down to his beautiful lips. Water gathered onto his eyelashes as he stared back at Tyler. They were both staring at each others features, almost like they did before, except more intently. The alluring gazes kept on each other remained steady until thunder startled them. Averting his stare, Tyler silently walked into the worn down house.

 

Paint supplies were littered throughout the room, multiple brushes scattered the old floor while paint tubes and such were placed in the right corner, along with an unfinished drawing of a plane. An old wooden chair was located near the plane and Josh assumed Tyler used it to

reach the places on wall he couldn't because he wasn't tall enough when he wanted to paint.

 

"Is that a plane crash?" Josh asked quietly as he stared at the unfinished plane.

 

"Yes, but I need to finish it. It's based off of a play. It's called All My Sons. It's by Arthur Miller. Have you heard of it?"

 

"No. Tell me about it. Did you perform it?"

 

Tyler smiled at Josh's interest. The last person he spoke with about his love for the play was his mother. He didn't get very far before his youngest brother Jay interrupted the conversation. Someone had now asked him about it and he was beaming.

 

"It was something I had to study for a class. The main character was a father that had run a company that created parts for airplanes used in World War Two, and he had to make a choice when he discovered his parts were unreliable. He could take the parts back and not send them to anyone to use, lose lots of money when he was already financially struggling, and lose good reputation for himself and his business. This would have been the right thing to do even though it would affect him badly. However, he could justknowingly ship out the faulty parts for the airplane, get money to provide for his family and keep his good reputation for himself and his company as well. He chose the later, obviously. Well, because he did this twenty one pilots died, which included his son, who was a pilot in the war. The father's daughter blamed him for her brothers death. At the end of the play, he committed suicide." Tyler finished, leaving Josh wided eyed.

 

"Woah." Josh had never seen Tyler, or anyone, for that matter, talk so so passionately about something. It was a lovely sight, to say the least.

 

Scarlett creeped onto his cheeks. "Sorry. I-I'm rambling—"

 

"Tyler, no. It's fine. I love hearing people talk about things they love. Tell me more." Josh suggested, making Tyler smile. No one had ever asked him that. Genuinely, Josh did want to hear him speak about it.

 

"I painted this airplane crash for two reasons. One: I love the play. Two: For the twenty one pilots who died. This was based off of a true story, by the way. But, I just love the storyline so much and I couldn't resist painting about it. I guess this is sort of dedicated to the pilots that died. It's stupid, I know—"

 

"No, it's not. I think it's really cool, actually. I like hearing you talk about things you like, but if you feel like you're talking too much about it, tell me about another one."

 

"Of my paintings?"

 

"If you want." He hummed. Tyler nodded and grabbed Josh's hand, leading him upstairs. Josh had saw the painting Tyler was talking about. Truly, it was astonishing.

 

"What is its name?"

 

"I've been trying to figure it out. I don't know what to call it."

 

"Show me more of your paintings," Josh said, following Tyler to see what else he had drawn in other rooms.

 

"Okay." Although it made him nervous, Tyler grasped Josh's hand shakily, continuing to follow him.

 

"What's this one called?"

 

And the boys continued to discuss the paintings Tyler created. It was dark by the time Tyler and finished talking about his last one, which was a series of nine circles with strange patterns, two being red and the rest being white. Neither of them knew the time, as their wasn't a clock or anything to look at.

 

The only light provided was now the candles. It was probably around eleven o'clock. They had been painting on a blank wall together, Josh handling the right side while Tyler designed the left. It was a 'wonderful broken masterpiece,' as Tyler said.

 

They had fallen asleep shortly after. Paint on their hands along with sleeping bags draped over their bodies. Cinnamon apple candles made the aroma of the room seem welcoming.

 

It was anything but welcoming.


	4. FOU R

When he got home the next morning, his mother wasn't mad. She was glad he was hanging out with friends. The aroma of cinnamon apples never left his nose. He had been sitting on the chair near the kitchen island when he had asked his mother a question he and considered important.

 

"Hey Mom?"

 

"Yes honey?"

 

"Do you–Do you think I'm crazy?"

 

His mother's eyebrows raised up in surprise at the question. "Are you okay? Do you think you're crazy?"

 

Josh stared at the wall blankly. "Sometimes. I feel like I've lost my mind now that Ashley's gone." He admitted.

 

His mother tensed at the mention of her late daughter's name, but allowed Josh to continue to speak. She had assumed it had something to do with Ashley. "I think we've all been struggling since what happened with Ashley."

 

The sentence had made Josh snap. He didn't know why or what had happened, but every thought in him and every cell in his body had stopped. His heart beat fastened, his breathing ridged. His eyes grew dark and watered.

 

"Why can't we say it as is?" He demanded, standing up. "She's dead, mom. Just say she's dead. Nothing happened with Ashley, and nothing will because she's dead. Don't sugarcoat it. We don't deserve to sugarcoat something like suicide."

 

"Josh–" His mother began, but was interrupted.

 

"No, no. I know what you're going to say. 'It makes people upset when we say that she's dead because people are sensitive to that kind of stuff, but who gives a fuck? Ashley was sensitive and Ashley was hurt, but no one seemed to care then, right? She wasn't alive before she died either. Her mind had already killed her. But we were too sensitive to think about her or watch out for her, right? And everyone's so fucking sorry for our loss, when it's all of our faults. We let her down and she paid the price. We don't deserve to feel bad because we're at fault. And maybe it's not all of us. Maybe it wasn't my fault or your fault or dad's, but we all could've helped in the end. All those people who came to her funeral didn't give a shit about her until they found out she was dead."

 

His mother's mouth fell agape at the sudden breakout. Mrs. Dun stared in shock at Josh, not really knowing an appropriate reply. Josh stared at his feet allowing the tears to fall from his hazel eyes. He let out a quiet cry, and his mother's face softened. "Sweetheart, come here." Josh stood up, letting himself cry in his Mother's shoulder.

 

"She's just–she's dead, Mom. And it's all our faults." He cried. His Mother rubbed his back, listening to his words.

 

"I know, honey. I know. They didn't care. But I don't think it was our fault, Josh. Especially not yours. She was dealing with things in her head and she wasn't stable. That was out of our control. If she didn't want us to know she was hurt, she wasn't going to show it." Maybe his mother was right in that sense.

 

"It's all our faults." He whispered.

 

"Do you want to go to school today? You don't have to if you're not up to it." His mother offered, feeling that her son's mental health was more important than class.

 

"No, no. It's okay. I'm okay." He assured. He wiped his eyes quickly, standing up. "Are you driving?"

 

Mrs. Dun was slightly taken back by the sudden mood change, nevertheless she had nodded, rounding up her other children into the car.

 

Josh and Jordan were dropped off first, Jordan quickly leaving Josh alone after spotting his friends.

 

He exhaled as he walked into first period. His history teacher began a long lecture about greek mythology, something that interested Josh. However, today, he could careless. His brain was all over the place and he really wished he stayed home. He wasn't prepared to go to school. Not today, at least.

 

Throughout every class, he had managed, but as the day got farther in, his thoughts were concaving him. He wouldn't last.

 

"So, did you kill her?" A voice asked. Josh stared at his lap, unhappy with the accusation.

 

"Are you fucking insane? Of course I didn't." He argued.

 

Blood. Her small body covered in so much blood. He would never be able to get that image out of his head. Would it ever stop? Would he get it to go away? He wanted Ashley to stop coming into his mind.

 

"Of course he did. He was probably in love with her! He told her that he was in love with her and she said the feeling wasn't mutual and he killed her." A person lied.

 

"God forbid I love my sister." Josh rolled his eyes.

 

She was gone. The thought of her should be as well. There's no point in thinking about someone who's dead. It won't do anyone any good. The person won't know, or feel it, or anything like that. They are dead, after all.

 

"He probably wanted to make love to her dead body. I bet he's into that!"

 

"It's called necrophilia, dumbass." Josh muttered, rolling his eyes at their stupidity.

 

Her being dead didn't mean much to Josh, though. Her body was a fresh image in his mind and he didn't know how long it would be like that.

 

"So tell me, Josh, did it feel good?"

 

Muttering a curse, Josh's hand flew up during math, asking to use the restroom. He had let out a sigh of relief when she had said yes. With shaking legs, he walked into the bathroom. He locked it from the inside, even though it wasn't allowed.

 

Inhaling deeply, he walked over to the sink and splashed some water on his face. That didn't stop the panic attack that was creeping up on him, though. He slid down against the wall, trying to calm himself.

 

"What's wrong?" He jumped at the voice, but it was oddly familiar. He turned around to be met with brown eyes.

 

"You go to my school?" Josh asked Tyler, his eyes full of surprise.

 

"Sure." Tyler dodged the question. "Are you thinking about Ashley?" Tyler read his mind.

 

"Yeah." He whispered.

 

"You know," Tyler started, sliding down next to Josh. "Sometimes you have to find the beauty in the bad things. It makes it a lot easier."

 

As much as Josh wanted to believe his words, he couldn't. Not with this, at least. "What the fucks beautiful about suicide?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing, a defensive tone inputting his voice.

 

Tyler stopped moving momentarily. He didn't really know what to reply, as he just felt like Josh would assume he was psychotic for seeing beauty in such things. "Death is beautiful, Josh." He replied.

 

"That's one way to put it." He muttered, turning his gaze towards his lap.

 

Frowning, Tyler made an effort to sit straighter up. "Think about it. She doesn't have to worry anymore. Death requires no thinking or acting. She's free. Right now, she's looking down on you and feeling awful because you're sad about her death. Don't make her feel bad for doing something she felt was necessary." Tyler explained.

 

Josh paused this time, strictly for the purpose seeing Tyler's point of view. He made it sound like he knew exactly what he was talking about. But did he? How could he know what Ashley was thinking or feeling? She was dead.

 

"You act like you know how she felt." Josh said, more so saying to himself than Tyler. His eyes were watering. Feeling pathetic would be an understatement. He honestly felt ridiculous for crying about this. It's been over a week. Shouldn't he be over this by now?

 

"You have no idea." Tyler mumbled, looking at nothing in particular. Just has he expected, Josh didn't hear what Tyler had said.

 

"What?" Josh asked with furrowed eyebrows.

 

"What?" Tyler repeated, trying to throw him off.

 

"You said something..." Josh trailed off, feeling confused.

 

"It's okay to cry, you know." Tyler told him quietly.

 

Wiping his eyes, Josh shook his head. "No. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic." He whispered the last part.

 

Tyler studied him, not quite sure how to react. He wasn't good with people. It had been a long time since he interacted with people when they were upset. Josh had slightly reminded Tyler of himself. Although it felt odd, he wrapped his arms around Josh.

 

Looking up from his lap, Josh wiped his eyes as he stared into Tyler's dull eyes. He sighed as Tyler pulled him in, hugging him slightly awkwardly.

 

"This is awkward," Tyler mumbled, a laugh escaping his lips. Josh looked up, laughing through his tears as well. Tyler opened his arms and adjusted the way he was sitting. "Here. Now you can sit comfortably.''

 

Furrowed eyebrows led Tyler to believe Josh was confused. "Like, on your–" He stopped talking when Tyler pulled him into his lap. Josh couldn't help but relax when Tyler ran a hand through his hair soothingly.

 

"You can cry, Josh." Tyler assured him.

 

"This is so weird," He muttered. Moving away, Josh look into Tyler's eye, trying to figure out if he was genuine. "Are you sure?"

 

Nodding, Tyler pushed him back down, Josh's head in the crook of his neck. "Positive." He felt the brunette relax on top of him, and it felt slightly relieving to know that he had that effect on him.

 

"I'm sorry." The faded pink haired boy whispered.

 

"It's okay, Josh." Tyler mumbled, rubbing his back. "It's okay." He repeated. "You're okay. You're going to be okay."

 

And for the next few minutes, Tyler didn't say anything, nor Josh. They just sat with each other, one trying to comfort the other one for feeling so empty, yet they both felt the same.

 

Josh let out quiet whimpers occasionally, and Tyler just put through with it. He wasn't going to be rude to Josh. He didn't want to be, either. Josh needed the comfort his family was lacking. Tyler was here for him, and that was what mattered.

 

Most people would leave now. They wouldn't want what most would consider a problematic friend. But, truth be told, they were brought together by a problem. Josh wouldn't have met Tyler if his sister hadn't died. Maybe one good thing came from her death.

 

Most people would run away from Josh. They would say they didn't want to feel the negative aroma he gave off. They couldn't be friends with them because he would made them upset.

 

But Tyler wasn't like most people. He was Tyler. He liked wearing a feminine kimono and painting walls of abandoned houses. He liked wearing only dark colors and painting on a specific grave. He listened to Josh about things and gave him honest opinions back. He, unlike everyone else, listened. Tyler cared about what Josh had to say.

 

The comfortable silence was interrupted by Tyler. "Feelings are overrated. No one cares about anybody anymore. They just ask to be nice. They only wanna hear something good so they can just move on with their day and not have a concern about you. They don't care about your problems. They don't care about anyone's problems besides their own."

 

Josh allowed the words to sink in for a few minutes. He lifted his head off of Tyler's shoulder to look at him. "What about you?" He questioned.

 

The brunettes eyebrows furrowed. "What about me?"

 

"I don't think you're like that. If you just wanted to be nice, you wouldn't have stayed. You would've said I'd be fine and made up a excuse to leave. But you stayed. You're here right now. You're staying when you could be leaving."

 

Tyler didn't think like that. He let out a quiet sigh as he looked down into his lap. "I guess you're right." He said distantly.

 

"Why are you staying?" Biting his lip, Josh asked with teary eyes.

 

The question had taken Tyler back. "I don't know." He mumbled. "I don't want to leave you."

 

"Why?" Josh pressed.

 

"Because I hate when people leave. Emotions shouldn't scare people away. We shouldn't be afraid to show how we feel. I don't want to to be afraid. I care about you. I'm here for you."

 

Josh wasn't really sure how to reply. He wasn't quite sure if he liked the response either. "I'm here for you too."

 

"Define suicide."

 

"What?" The question took Josh back. He didn't reply for a few seconds, feeling confused.

 

"Just do it."

 

"When you kill yourself?" His answer sounded unsure.

 

"Define suicidal."

 

"When you want to kill yourself?" He replied with uncertainty.

 

"Your answers will change one day." Tyler told him, causing Josh's eyebrows to furrow.

 

"Why did you ask me that?" He inquired.

 

"Just curious." Tyler pushed away the question. "Do you want to go home?"

 

"Will you come home with me?" Josh asked the question before he could think about it. He felt his face heat up. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that... I meant that as in are you coming to my house, not like–" He panickedly rambled, but Tyler pulled him back down to their previous position.

 

"I know what you meant. I'll walk you home." He said softly.

 

"Y-you don't have to. I don't want to be a bother–"

 

"Josh, stop." Tyler interrupted. "You're never a bother. Even when you're upset and crying. You aren't a bother to me, ever. I'd rather have you here with me, upset and crying, then not have you at all. Stop saying things like that." Tyler ranted as he rubbed Josh's back again.

 

Josh felt his heartbeat quicken. "Sorry."

 

"Let's get you home, okay?" Josh nodded, reluctantly climbing off Tyler.

 

As they walked home, there was a comfortable silence as well. Josh had the urge to hold Tyler's hand as they walked home, but he kept them to himself. The pink haired boy lead the way while walking, as Tyler didn't know where his home was.

 

When Josh reached his home, Tyler quietly greeted him goodbye. He pulled him in for a hug, pulling back to whisper. "You know where I'll be if you need me."

 

And with that, he was gone. Josh had missed his touch in a matter of seconds. He walked into his house, feeling drained and tired. Collapsing on his bed, he had cried for a bit.

 

He started to realize that he was feeling things for Tyler. Things that he shouldn't be feeling, especially not so soon. He hated himself for being so drawn to Tyler, but he really couldn't help it. He was there when no one else was. He cared. He was here for him.

 

 

 

 

____

 

hello, just thought i'd include how i picture Tyler in this fic!

 

 

 

 

When he got home the next morning, his mother wasn't mad. She was glad he was hanging out with friends. The aroma of cinnamon apples never left his nose. He had been sitting on the chair near the kitchen island when he had asked his mother a question he and considered important.

 

"Hey Mom?"

 

"Yes honey?"

 

"Do you–Do you think I'm crazy?"

 

His mother's eyebrows raised up in surprise at the question. "Are you okay? Do you think you're crazy?"

 

Josh stared at the wall blankly. "Sometimes. I feel like I've lost my mind now that Ashley's gone." He admitted.

 

His mother tensed at the mention of her late daughter's name, but allowed Josh to continue to speak. She had assumed it had something to do with Ashley. "I think we've all been struggling since what happened with Ashley."

 

The sentence had made Josh snap. He didn't know why or what had happened, but every thought in him and every cell in his body had stopped. His heart beat fastened, his breathing ridged. His eyes grew dark and watered.

 

"Why can't we say it as is?" He demanded, standing up. "She's dead, mom. Just say she's dead. Nothing happened with Ashley, and nothing will because she's dead. Don't sugarcoat it. We don't deserve to sugarcoat something like suicide."

 

"Josh–" His mother began, but was interrupted.

 

"No, no. I know what you're going to say. 'It makes people upset when we say that she's dead because people are sensitive to that kind of stuff, but who gives a fuck? Ashley was sensitive and Ashley was hurt, but no one seemed to care then, right? She wasn't alive before she died either. Her mind had already killed her. But we were too sensitive to think about her or watch out for her, right? And everyone's so fucking sorry for our loss, when it's all of our faults. We let her down and she paid the price. We don't deserve to feel bad because we're at fault. And maybe it's not all of us. Maybe it wasn't my fault or your fault or dad's, but we all could've helped in the end. All those people who came to her funeral didn't give a shit about her until they found out she was dead."

 

His mother's mouth fell agape at the sudden breakout. Mrs. Dun stared in shock at Josh, not really knowing an appropriate reply. Josh stared at his feet allowing the tears to fall from his hazel eyes. He let out a quiet cry, and his mother's face softened. "Sweetheart, come here." Josh stood up, letting himself cry in his Mother's shoulder.

 

"She's just–she's dead, Mom. And it's all our faults." He cried. His Mother rubbed his back, listening to his words.

 

"I know, honey. I know. They didn't care. But I don't think it was our fault, Josh. Especially not yours. She was dealing with things in her head and she wasn't stable. That was out of our control. If she didn't want us to know she was hurt, she wasn't going to show it." Maybe his mother was right in that sense.

 

"It's all our faults." He whispered.

 

"Do you want to go to school today? You don't have to if you're not up to it." His mother offered, feeling that her son's mental health was more important than class.

 

"No, no. It's okay. I'm okay." He assured. He wiped his eyes quickly, standing up. "Are you driving?"

 

Mrs. Dun was slightly taken back by the sudden mood change, nevertheless she had nodded, rounding up her other children into the car.

 

Josh and Jordan were dropped off first, Jordan quickly leaving Josh alone after spotting his friends.

 

He exhaled as he walked into first period. His history teacher began a long lecture about greek mythology, something that interested Josh. However, today, he could careless. His brain was all over the place and he really wished he stayed home. He wasn't prepared to go to school. Not today, at least.

 

Throughout every class, he had managed, but as the day got farther in, his thoughts were concaving him. He wouldn't last.

 

"So, did you kill her?" A voice asked. Josh stared at his lap, unhappy with the accusation.

 

"Are you fucking insane? Of course I didn't." He argued.

 

Blood. Her small body covered in so much blood. He would never be able to get that image out of his head. Would it ever stop? Would he get it to go away? He wanted Ashley to stop coming into his mind.

 

"Of course he did. He was probably in love with her! He told her that he was in love with her and she said the feeling wasn't mutual and he killed her." A person lied.

 

"God forbid I love my sister." Josh rolled his eyes.

 

She was gone. The thought of her should be as well. There's no point in thinking about someone who's dead. It won't do anyone any good. The person won't know, or feel it, or anything like that. They are dead, after all.

 

"He probably wanted to make love to her dead body. I bet he's into that!"

 

"It's called necrophilia, dumbass." Josh muttered, rolling his eyes at their stupidity.

 

Her being dead didn't mean much to Josh, though. Her body was a fresh image in his mind and he didn't know how long it would be like that.

 

"So tell me, Josh, did it feel good?"

 

Muttering a curse, Josh's hand flew up during math, asking to use the restroom. He had let out a sigh of relief when she had said yes. With shaking legs, he walked into the bathroom. He locked it from the inside, even though it wasn't allowed.

 

Inhaling deeply, he walked over to the sink and splashed some water on his face. That didn't stop the panic attack that was creeping up on him, though. He slid down against the wall, trying to calm himself.

 

"What's wrong?" He jumped at the voice, but it was oddly familiar. He turned around to be met with brown eyes.

 

"You go to my school?" Josh asked Tyler, his eyes full of surprise.

 

"Sure." Tyler dodged the question. "Are you thinking about Ashley?" Tyler read his mind.

 

"Yeah." He whispered.

 

"You know," Tyler started, sliding down next to Josh. "Sometimes you have to find the beauty in the bad things. It makes it a lot easier."

 

As much as Josh wanted to believe his words, he couldn't. Not with this, at least. "What the fucks beautiful about suicide?" He asked, his eyebrows furrowing, a defensive tone inputting his voice.

 

Tyler stopped moving momentarily. He didn't really know what to reply, as he just felt like Josh would assume he was psychotic for seeing beauty in such things. "Death is beautiful, Josh." He replied.

 

"That's one way to put it." He muttered, turning his gaze towards his lap.

 

Frowning, Tyler made an effort to sit straighter up. "Think about it. She doesn't have to worry anymore. Death requires no thinking or acting. She's free. Right now, she's looking down on you and feeling awful because you're sad about her death. Don't make her feel bad for doing something she felt was necessary." Tyler explained.

 

Josh paused this time, strictly for the purpose seeing Tyler's point of view. He made it sound like he knew exactly what he was talking about. But did he? How could he know what Ashley was thinking or feeling? She was dead.

 

"You act like you know how she felt." Josh said, more so saying to himself than Tyler. His eyes were watering. Feeling pathetic would be an understatement. He honestly felt ridiculous for crying about this. It's been over a week. Shouldn't he be over this by now?

 

"You have no idea." Tyler mumbled, looking at nothing in particular. Just has he expected, Josh didn't hear what Tyler had said.

 

"What?" Josh asked with furrowed eyebrows.

 

"What?" Tyler repeated, trying to throw him off.

 

"You said something..." Josh trailed off, feeling confused.

 

"It's okay to cry, you know." Tyler told him quietly.

 

Wiping his eyes, Josh shook his head. "No. It's pathetic. I'm pathetic." He whispered the last part.

 

Tyler studied him, not quite sure how to react. He wasn't good with people. It had been a long time since he interacted with people when they were upset. Josh had slightly reminded Tyler of himself. Although it felt odd, he wrapped his arms around Josh.

 

Looking up from his lap, Josh wiped his eyes as he stared into Tyler's dull eyes. He sighed as Tyler pulled him in, hugging him slightly awkwardly.

 

"This is awkward," Tyler mumbled, a laugh escaping his lips. Josh looked up, laughing through his tears as well. Tyler opened his arms and adjusted the way he was sitting. "Here. Now you can sit comfortably.''

 

Furrowed eyebrows led Tyler to believe Josh was confused. "Like, on your–" He stopped talking when Tyler pulled him into his lap. Josh couldn't help but relax when Tyler ran a hand through his hair soothingly.

 

"You can cry, Josh." Tyler assured him.

 

"This is so weird," He muttered. Moving away, Josh look into Tyler's eye, trying to figure out if he was genuine. "Are you sure?"

 

Nodding, Tyler pushed him back down, Josh's head in the crook of his neck. "Positive." He felt the brunette relax on top of him, and it felt slightly relieving to know that he had that effect on him.

 

"I'm sorry." The faded pink haired boy whispered.

 

"It's okay, Josh." Tyler mumbled, rubbing his back. "It's okay." He repeated. "You're okay. You're going to be okay."

 

And for the next few minutes, Tyler didn't say anything, nor Josh. They just sat with each other, one trying to comfort the other one for feeling so empty, yet they both felt the same.

 

Josh let out quiet whimpers occasionally, and Tyler just put through with it. He wasn't going to be rude to Josh. He didn't want to be, either. Josh needed the comfort his family was lacking. Tyler was here for him, and that was what mattered.

 

Most people would leave now. They wouldn't want what most would consider a problematic friend. But, truth be told, they were brought together by a problem. Josh wouldn't have met Tyler if his sister hadn't died. Maybe one good thing came from her death.

 

Most people would run away from Josh. They would say they didn't want to feel the negative aroma he gave off. They couldn't be friends with them because he would made them upset.

 

But Tyler wasn't like most people. He was Tyler. He liked wearing a feminine kimono and painting walls of abandoned houses. He liked wearing only dark colors and painting on a specific grave. He listened to Josh about things and gave him honest opinions back. He, unlike everyone else, listened. Tyler cared about what Josh had to say.

 

The comfortable silence was interrupted by Tyler. "Feelings are overrated. No one cares about anybody anymore. They just ask to be nice. They only wanna hear something good so they can just move on with their day and not have a concern about you. They don't care about your problems. They don't care about anyone's problems besides their own."

 

Josh allowed the words to sink in for a few minutes. He lifted his head off of Tyler's shoulder to look at him. "What about you?" He questioned.

 

The brunettes eyebrows furrowed. "What about me?"

 

"I don't think you're like that. If you just wanted to be nice, you wouldn't have stayed. You would've said I'd be fine and made up a excuse to leave. But you stayed. You're here right now. You're staying when you could be leaving."

 

Tyler didn't think like that. He let out a quiet sigh as he looked down into his lap. "I guess you're right." He said distantly.

 

"Why are you staying?" Biting his lip, Josh asked with teary eyes.

 

The question had taken Tyler back. "I don't know." He mumbled. "I don't want to leave you."

 

"Why?" Josh pressed.

 

"Because I hate when people leave. Emotions shouldn't scare people away. We shouldn't be afraid to show how we feel. I don't want to to be afraid. I care about you. I'm here for you."

 

Josh wasn't really sure how to reply. He wasn't quite sure if he liked the response either. "I'm here for you too."

 

"Define suicide."

 

"What?" The question took Josh back. He didn't reply for a few seconds, feeling confused.

 

"Just do it."

 

"When you kill yourself?" His answer sounded unsure.

 

"Define suicidal."

 

"When you want to kill yourself?" He replied with uncertainty.

 

"Your answers will change one day." Tyler told him, causing Josh's eyebrows to furrow.

 

"Why did you ask me that?" He inquired.

 

"Just curious." Tyler pushed away the question. "Do you want to go home?"

 

"Will you come home with me?" Josh asked the question before he could think about it. He felt his face heat up. "I-I'm sorry. I didn't mean it like that... I meant that as in are you coming to my house, not like–" He panickedly rambled, but Tyler pulled him back down to their previous position.

 

"I know what you meant. I'll walk you home." He said softly.

 

"Y-you don't have to. I don't want to be a bother–"

 

"Josh, stop." Tyler interrupted. "You're never a bother. Even when you're upset and crying. You aren't a bother to me, ever. I'd rather have you here with me, upset and crying, then not have you at all. Stop saying things like that." Tyler ranted as he rubbed Josh's back again.

 

Josh felt his heartbeat quicken. "Sorry."

 

"Let's get you home, okay?" Josh nodded, reluctantly climbing off Tyler.

 

As they walked home, there was a comfortable silence as well. Josh had the urge to hold Tyler's hand as they walked home, but he kept them to himself. The pink haired boy lead the way while walking, as Tyler didn't know where his home was.

 

When Josh reached his home, Tyler quietly greeted him goodbye. He pulled him in for a hug, pulling back to whisper. "You know where I'll be if you need me."

 

And with that, he was gone. Josh had missed his touch in a matter of seconds. He walked into his house, feeling drained and tired. Collapsing on his bed, he had cried for a bit.

 

He started to realize that he was feeling things for Tyler. Things that he shouldn't be feeling, especially not so soon. He hated himself for being so drawn to Tyler, but he really couldn't help it. He was there when no one else was. He cared. He was here for him.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 


	5. entry 1

why does everything hurt so bad? it's not getting better. it hurts so much.

i need help. i don't know what of help i need. i feel as if i'm being constantly water boarded; i cannot escape the grip the because i am being drowned at a constant. 

i need help. i need someone to pull me out of the water and throw me into a dry, dry, desert where i can breathe. i need to breathe.

is there any hope for me? i must escape, i must breathe. 

i can't bare living in this constant state of sadness..ever since it happened i feel as if i can die at any second.

no one would care if i died.

i should make it fast and brief, but i too deserve to suffer. i've let everyone down because i'm so messed up. i've let my entire family down, most importantly, her. i let her down more than anyone. i let him down to. 

i let everyone down because i am let down.

no one will see, no one will know.


	6. F IVE

"Josh, a boy is at the door asking for you."

 

It took a second to register his mother's words, but within seconds his eyes were open and he slowly toppled downstairs. His sleepy eyes meet a smiley Tyler, who too looked sleepy. Then again, Tyler always looked sleepy. His hair was pushed back, the curls less prominent then the last time he'd seen them. His black jeans, paired with his black combat boots, had firmly fit his frame. He was wearing another sweater, only this time it was a dark blue and far too big for him.

 

"You look cute." Tyler cheekily said, rocking back and forth on his heels.

 

Josh went bright red, running hand through his newly dyed hair, flustered. "What?" He laughed. "No," He shook his head. "I don't."

 

"Anyways," Tyler cleared his throat. "I wanted to know if you would like to go to Alum Creek with me." He grinned, shifting on his heels again.

 

"Like, the river?" Josh furrowed his brows.

 

"It's a creek, Joshua." Tyler corrected.

 

"It's 58 mile long river, Tyler." The pink haired boy retorted.

 

"No, it's a creek."

 

"It's a fuckin' river! Now come in so I can get dressed." 

 

Instead of a coherent reply, Tyler just shook his head and entered the house, a grin still present on his lips. Tyler's eyes grew wide at the sight of Josh's house, which slightly confused him. His house was average. Nice, but average nonetheless. Nothing to gawk at.

 

"You good?" Josh furrowed his brows, staring at Tyler inquisitively.

 

"Yeah!" Tyler said a little too quickly. "I mean, yeah. It's just been a while since I've been over someone's house, is all."

 

"Okay," Josh nodded, unsure. "Well, yeah, this is my house. But there's not anything interesting about it so we're just gonna go upstairs." The entirety of his last sentence was rushed, mostly because he didn't want his mother or father or siblings to interrogate him about Tyler.

 

The resist to flinch when Josh touched Tyler's hand was nearly impossible because they were ice cold. He acted as if he was unaffected, only slipping in a quick question to make sure he was okay when they got upstairs in his bedroom. Tyler was sat on Josh's bed, curiosity staring at all of the things within his room.

 

"Do you need a hoodie or something? You're so cold, Ty." When the boy didn't reply, Josh turned his head, furrowing his eyebrows when he saw the way Tyler was smiling. "Why are you smiling like that?" He chuckled.

 

Tyler blushed. "I-just, it's," He let out a quiet laugh, his cheeks turning even redder. "You called me Ty."

 

"Oh, I didn't even realize–sorry," He quickly apologized.

 

"I don't mind," He smiled softly. "It's really nice when you say it.."

 

Tyler didn't notice the way Josh's lips twitched into the smile at words, and Josh didn't notice the way Tyler's cheeks blushed when he slipped off his shirt to put on a clean one. He was quick to change the rest of his outfit, slipping on another hoodie and grabbing one for Tyler.

 

"Here, Ty." He handed him a maroon hoodie, smiling when Tyler looked down at his lap to avoid Josh seeing him blush.

 

"Can-can we go now?"

 

"Yeah," Josh cleared his throat. "Of course."

 

Tyler had then walked out of Josh's room, his cold hand touching Josh's much warmer one. Although he didn't really know the way around Josh's house, he was still able to manage his way out, letting out a sigh of relief when they were finally out. Being around people made him so anxious anymore, and he was usually only ever okay when he was around the brown eyed boy with pink hair. When he was by himself, it seemed as if his thoughts ate him alive. Josh felt like a medicine.

 

The walk to the river was relatively silent, and Josh couldn't help the frown that spilled on his face when Tyler let go of his hand. His lip tugged between his teeth as he looked at the beauty in front of him. While there were many beautiful things to look at, Tyler captivated his stare. It almost annoyed him. He wanted to do get over the dumb crush he had on the boy, but it seemed as if it was getting harder every time he was with him.

 

It'd been nearly two months since Abby died, and strangely enough, Josh had never been happier. Obviously it has nothing to do with Abby, (he honestly didn't think about her when he was with the brunette at all) but it was in fact Tyler's doing. Even he himself didn't understand exactly why the pain he had felt from Abby's death suddenly vanished whenever Tyler was with him. It was as if it was some sort of medicine, a pain reliever. Josh had a feeling he was getting addicted a little too fast.

 

Josh was slightly confused when Tyler suddenly went a different direction, his head turning back to make sure Josh was following him. He was. He realized that Tyler was walking towards the cliff.

 

"I haven't been here in nearly a year." Tyler said softly, his eyes focused on the flowing water beneath them. "I used to swim here with my brothers and sister all the time."

 

"It must've been fun, then."

 

"It was." Tyler confirmed. "Until I went and fucked everything up."

 

Josh was taken back the sudden difference in his voice. Nonetheless, he acted unaffected. "Do you want to talk about it?" He asked, his voice quiet as he followed Tyler up the cliff.

 

"About what, Josh? About how I'm a fuck up and destroyed my family? About how my parents spilt and it's my fault? About how every single day I think, maybe everything would've been okay if I hadn't done what I did? Is that what you want to talk about Josh?"

 

Dumbfounded, Josh stared at Tyler. "If it helps you, we can talk about it." He said after a brief silence. "But if it doesn't we don't have to talk about it, Ty. Whatever makes you comfortable. Whatever makes you feel safe." He whispered, looking down at the river.

 

Tyler continued to walk until he was at the edge. Josh's heart stopped when Tyler suddenly sat down. He quickly followed, repeating his actions. The river was a lot deeper from where they were.

 

"Thank you, Joshua." The mentioned furrowed his eyebrows, confused. "For staying."

 

"Of course," He nodded. "Of course."

 

"I'll tell you one day. I will. I'm just..I'm just not ready yet."

 

"That's fine, Tyler. Whenever you're ready."

 

They sat in a comfortable silence again, Tyler distantly watching the water crashing into each other. There were rocks upon rocks and it was dangerous.

 

"I drowned here once."

 

Josh's eyebrows shot up in surprise. "Really? What happened?"

 

"I fell in. When my mother noticed, it was too late. There was water in my lungs when they pulled me out of the water and everything. It was such a mess. My mother still feels bad to this day." He chuckled.

 

"I bet. You could've died!" Josh exclaimed, watching the river with caution.

 

"It's crazy, right?"

 

"It really is. I'm glad you're here with me though."

 

Tyler nodded, smiling over at him. "I am too." He whispered.

 

Again, it was silent. The sounds of water crashing together and birds chirping and filled their ears. It was surprising that birds were still out. It was December, but the weather was shifting from 30 to 60 degrees on any given day. Despite the weather being 58 degrees today, it was quite chilly. Given, it was raining, adding a coldness to the atmosphere that wasn't really there. Nonetheless, Josh had on a long sleeve and a thick hoodie.

 

"So," Tyler started, grabbing the attention of the brown eyed boy in front of him, shifting  his body towards him in the process. "Why red?"

 

Josh sheepishly shrugged. "Why not red?" He retorted, making Tyler smile.

 

"I suppose you're right. Was there any particular reason you wanted to dye it red?"

 

"Yes." He nodded. "It's not pink. I just wanted to get away from things attaching me to Ashley."

 

"That's good, that's good." Tyler assured him, grabbing his hands for additional reassurance. "It's good that you're pushing forward. I'm proud of you, Josh."

 

The words made Josh's entire body fill with warmth despite it being cold outside. The brunette really always knew what to say. He couldn't help but grin at Tyler, his heart racing whilst doing so. The feelings he was getting for this boy were getting stronger every time he did something as little as looking at him. Tyler really was perfect.

 

"Thank you, Tyler. For everything, really."

 

"No, thank you. You really have no idea what you're doing to mean."

 

"What do you mean?"

 

"You make me feel alive again, Josh."

 

"I hope I can always make you feel like that.." He whispered in response.

 

Again, they were met with a comfortable silence. The rain had almost completely stopped unfortunately for Tyler.

 

"You know, you're kind of cute," Tyler thought out loud, causing Josh to blush.

 

"Not really,"

 

"Yeah," Tyler agreed. "You're more ethereal than that. You really are beautiful, Josh. I quite enjoy looking at you."

 

"That's all you, Tyler."

 

"No. Far from it. I look dead."

 

"Just because you're dead on the inside doesn't mean you look dead on the outside, babe." Josh said seriously, making Tyler laugh and blush and feel warm all at the same time.

 

"You know what, Josh? Fuck you," He giggled.

 

"I mean, as much as I am definitely not opposed to that suggestion. Shouldn't we at least go out on a date first? Where are your manners, Tyler?"

 

The poor boy was a blushing mess, hiding his face in his hands to conceal the dusted red color on his cheek. "Sorry, my dearest Joshua. Let me take you out to dinner just so you ca fuck me right after." Tyler spoke, amused.

 

"So you're a bottom?"

 

"Oh my god," He blushed harder. "We are not talking about this."

 

"I didn't hear a no," He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.

 

"And you're not going to because this conversation is over." He laughed. It felt good to feel like a normal teenager for once.

 

After the giggles died down, Josh was staring at the river longingly. "You said you had siblings, right?"

 

"Yes," Tyler replied, unsure of what Josh was going to ask.

 

"What are they like?"

 

"My sister, Maddy, she's beautiful. She's so kind and I truly love her, we used to be so close. My brothers, Zack and Jay, they were really great, too. Zack played basketball with me all the time, but Jay's too small to reach the nets we play with. I used to be really good at basketball before I quit. I'm probably still good, but I don't play anymore because it makes me upset."

 

"They sound lovely." Josh commented, causing Tyler to smile sadly.

 

"Yeah. If you could tell your sister one thing, what would it be?"

 

Josh sighed, thinking about the question momentarily. "That's..that's a tough one."

 

"Try," The other boy mumbled.

 

"I think it would be that I love her so much. Or, or, that I'm not mad at her. I'm sad, I'm unbelievably sad, but I'm not mad. I love her too much to be mad."

 

Tyler processed the words for a while, letting it sink into his brain. The words were slightly shocking. He'd always thought that everyone would be a least a little bit mad at the person who had taken their own life. Perhaps he was wrong. Perhaps, Josh was just too good of a person.

 

"I gotta go, Josh," He whispered. "But Abby will hear your words one day. I'm sure of it." Tyler pressed a soft kiss to Josh's cheek, standing up. As he was walking away, he turned back to shout, "I'll see you soon, though, right?"

 

Blushing, Josh nodded. "Right."


	7. S IX

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> invisible by dandelion hands

**TYLER**

 

I miss everything.

 

Regret. It's a strong word. It's a meaningful, strong word. It attaches itself to many, many things. People always have regrets. Everyone regrets at least one thing in their life, whether it be something minor or something major. Some are worse than others. Mine is major. Mine is very, very, major.

 

My regret affected those in my life, anyone who knew me, and everyone in between.

 

To think about it is to ask for pain. It hurts so much to think about it.

 

I can't say what I did. It will hurt me too much to say it.

 

I don't always regret what I did. Today is not one of those days.

 

Today is one of those days where I rethink everything I did. I wonder if anyone ever thinks about me anymore when I'm not around.

 

I do things to make myself noticed, but I think no one cares anymore.

 

Brendon is doing fine without me around. He once told me that he would always need me in my life, but I now know that that is a false claim. He's doing just fine now. It hurts, but just a little. I'm glad he's doing okay.

 

I wish my brothers and sister didn't hate me. They can't even say my name without choking up. I don't think my brother, Jay, remembers me because I haven't seen him in such a long time.

 

I haven't seen my father at all. I have no idea where he went or what happened to him. After I left, he did too. He was suddenly out of the house one day when I visited, and I was in complete and utter shock. My siblings and mother were nonchalant about my father's absence. I didn't understand.

 

That was probably one of the hardest things to find out after I did what I did. That was what really made me regret it.

 

I miss everyone, but no one misses me. No one cares about me not coming around anymore. No one cares about me.

 

Maybe they would if I didn't do what I did.

 

 

 

 

 

 

I guess I'll never know.


	8. SEVE N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> guys, omg. i’ve been on here for the like three years and had no idea that you could subscribe to books and receive notifications when they update via email until just now...im so stupid lmfao  
> anyway, created a playlist for this book. i’d love if you listened to it while reading. <3 
> 
> https://open.spotify.com/user/p0hklpnji80x1h1pah3ntkelf/playlist/4mw7v2tzjkCvenQyHzfROC?si=Hi53NSeRTnKV2WQXRogn1g

A feeling of thrill pulsed through Josh's veins as he checked over his shoulder to make sure no one was looking. He was never one to cut class, but today it had been too much to handle. The criticism and harsh comments he heard both in class and throughout the hallways made in impossible to stay. So, he left.

 

It was during his lunch period, when the words became too much and too real, that he decided to take matters into his own hands. He left without informing any of teachers, nor his mother. She wound probably lecture him later about how he can't just do what he wants and tell him he needed to be more responsible an such. In all honesty, he would rather have his mother yell at him then to have to hear the awful things people were saying to him.

 

He knew Tyler was going to ask about why he was at the cemetery nearly four hours early, if he was there, of course. Then again, when wasn't he there? Josh had shown up random times and Tyler was always there. Always.

 

As much as he didn't feel like disclosing why he was upset and what those kids were saying to him, he knew it would make him feel better. Especially because it was Tyler he was telling it to, and Tyler always listened. Even if Josh didn't always meet eye to eye with him, Tyler always listened and always gave him his advice and his opinions.

 

Tyler was the realest person he could ever meet, another reason as to why it was becoming harder and harder each day to not fall for him.

 

The words were buzzing through Josh's head as he walked towards the familiar graveyard. He was lost in his thoughts, vagrantly making his way towards Tyler. He tried to tell himself that they were wrong.  But, as much as he didn't want to believe it, but he knew they were right. While he didn't choose to like boys, he also knew he couldn't help the way he felt.

 

He would deny it up and down, though.

 

Besides, he liked girls. How couldn't he? Their voices were so soft, they were so pretty. He couldn't just stop liking girls. That wasn't how it worked. But at the same time, he couldn't just stop liking boys. He didn't necessarily want to, either. Part of him wished he could just hate boys and the other part of him wanted to be as close to them as possible. Particularly one boy, but still. Josh had found boys attractive before, but none of them ever came close to way he felt about Tyler. He showed more compassion and care for him within the first week he met him then anyone besides his sister had in years. It was nice, to say the least.

 

If Tyler kept acting this way, Josh was bound to fall for him. He couldn't control it. All he could hope was that Tyler would be there to catch him.

 

His head ached, along with his chest.  He continued to walk, accidentally scuffing his shoe on a stone, catching Tyler's attention.

 

"Why are you here so early?" Tyler questioned, eyebrows furrowed.

 

Josh sat down, exhaling. He didn't reply for a few minutes, his light chocolate eyes gazing amongst the gravestones surrounding them.

"I needed to leave."

 

"School?" The boy interrogated.

 

"Yeah..." He frowned to himself.

 

"You wanna talk about it?"

 

"Not really," Tyler gave him a skeptic look, seeing right through him. He sighed again. "Everything is just too much for me right now."

 

The words caught Tyler's interest. He turned his body to face Josh. "What do you mean?"

 

"The police want to take me in for questioning."

 

Tyler nodded with a hum. "That's perfectly normal, Josh. Don't worry."

 

"No," He shook his head in disagreement. "They think I did it." He muttered.

 

"Did anyone tell you that or do you just think it?" Shooting him another skeptic look, Tyler raised a brow.

 

"I just have a feeling. I found her body...it makes sense." He reasoned.

 

"Finding someone's dead body doesn't hold you accountable for murder." The brunette fired back.

 

"But it makes you awfully suspicious..." He trailed off.

 

"You're going to be fine, Josh." Tyler murmured. He slid his hand into Josh's, giving it a squeeze, offering him a soft, small, smile.

 

Josh tried to hide his blush by looking down. Tyler saw it and smiled to himself. It felt good to be a teenager again.

 

After a while of silence, Josh spoke. "This kid, Brendon, he keeps teasing me about how I dyed my hair pink."

 

Tyler looked blank at his words. He blinked. What were they-he saying?" He stuttered.

 

"I'm gay for dying my hair."

 

Tyler's mouth formed into an 'o' shape. “Is that why you dyed it red?” Tyler asked, scowling.

 

“Yeah..” He admitted.

 

"Well, are you?" Tyler asked after a brief pause.

 

Josh frowned. "I don't really know." He paused. Tyler looked down at their hands and Josh felt his heart race. "You see, I've liked girls and sometimes I think I like guys. I know that's really weird but-"

 

"That's really not weird at all." Tyler interrupted. "I do, too."

 

"Really?" Josh's eyes widened.

 

"Yeah."

 

"Oh," Josh didn't really know what to say. "That's nice, I guess."

 

"I guess." Tyler shrugged. "Have you ever liked a guy before?"

 

"Only one that I can think of." Josh murmured.

 

"I've never dated a boy, but I've definitely liked them." Tyler replies, staring right into Josh's eyes. The red haired boy blushed.

 

“Me and dating don’t mix.” Josh answered simply.

 

“And why is that?”

 

“No ones ever liked me like that, I guess. I don’t know, I’ve just never dated anyone.”

 

Tyler looked down to his lap, his response being, “Oh,”

 

“Well...have you ever dated anyone?” Josh questioned.

 

“Yes,” He nodded, adjusting his sweater. “But it was over a year ago...but I-we don’t talk anymore, ever.”

 

Josh somewhat felt as if he was intruding but he couldn’t help but ask, “Why not?”

 

Tyler seemed taken back by the question. “Uh,” He pauses. “I-um, I cut off contact with her. And like everyone else in my life, but it’s cool.” He shrugged.

 

“Wait, so you don’t have any friends?”

 

“Well I have you, don’t I?” The brunette retorted, making Josh frown.

 

“Well obviously. I meant someone besides me.”

 

“No.” Tyler replied stiffly. “I don’t have anyone, and I don’t need anyone. I’m quite happy on my own, actually.” He was lying right through his teeth, but Josh didn’t need to know that.

 

“Is that person-were they your friend?” Josh gestured to the gravestone Tyler was leaning on.

 

Today, it was covered in yellow and green paint, gold specks amongst the two colors.

 

“You’re awfully invasive today.” Tyler stated nonchalantly, looking to Josh with an unreadable expression.

 

“Sorry,” He blushed. “I was just-”

 

“I never said it was a bad thing, Josh. Just something I noticed, is all.” Josh’s fingers fidgeted as he stared at them, not knowing what to say and a little too anxious to think of anything. “I knew him.” Tyler spoke, staring directly into Josh’s eyes.

 

“Do you miss him?” The red haired boy tilted his head.

 

“Sometimes.” He shrugged.

 

“Oh.”

 

"Can I try something?"

 

Josh looked uncertain as he replied, still filled with slight anxiety. "Sure, I guess.”

 

Tyler bit his lip, moving off of the gravestone he was sitting on and going closer to Josh, just inches away from his face. “Just...just stop me if you don’t like it, okay?”

 

Adrenaline rushed through Josh’s veins. His heart was beating out of his chest. It didn’t stop him from saying, “Okay,”

 

Tyler had suddenly leaned in, closing the gap between them, his lips pressed on Josh’s. The action made Josh gasp, and Tyler took that opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. Josh kissed back, his heart throbbing in his rib cage as he moved one his hands behind him to steady himself as Tyler continued to push down. His other hand found its way to Tyler’s cheek, his grip soft and warm against Tyler’s cold skin.

 

Tyler’s hands were on ground, one leg in between Josh’s legs, the other also on the ground. He wasn’t sitting on Josh’s leg, his body was up forward as he deepened the kiss. Before Tyler could do much more, Josh was laying down, his back pressed against the dead grass, pulling Tyler down with him. Betrayed would be the only way to describe how Tyler felt when he let out a quiet whine against Josh’s lips at the action.

 

Even though he didn’t really want to, Tyler pulled back, staring at Josh, noticing his slightly swollen lips and rosy cheeks. His curly crimson hair wasn’t in his face like normal, and he noticed that he looked breathless.

 

A million thoughts ran through Josh’s head as he stared at the boy on top of him. Did Tyler like Josh? Did he only kiss Josh because he knew Josh was inexperienced? Did he do it because he was lonely? Was this confirmation that Tyler felt the same way?

 

Tyler pressed their foreheads together. “Was that okay?” Josh was speechless.He tried to speak, but no words were coming out. He felt breathless. “Josh?”

 

He nodded, not knowing what else to do.

 

Tyler furrowed his eyebrows. “Is-is that not what you wanted?”

 

The words caught Josh’s attention and brought him back to reality. So that why was Tyler had kissed him! He thought that Josh wanted it. The thought of Tyler not feeling the same way made him feel unexplainable anxiety.

 

“Is that not what you wanted?” Josh questioned, his heart rate beginning to speed up for a much different reason. Tyler didn’t get a chance to explain before Josh continued. “You only kissed me because you thought that I would want it? You didn’t want it?”

 

Tyler’s eyes widened. “No! Oh my god, no, no, no, that’s-that’s not what I meant.” The boy underneath of him looked unconvinced and nervous. “Of course I wanted to kiss you. I’ve been wanting to kiss you for a while, actually. But you didn’t say anything after I pulled-”

 

He was silenced by a kiss initiated by Josh. Sighing into the kiss, Tyler put one of his hands on Josh’s shoulder, pressing harder.

 

It was absolute bliss. Tyler forgot what it felt like to have human contact like this, and Josh had craved it for long. The giant whole in both of the streets in their chest had been filled with cement. Absolute warmth.

 


	9. entry 2

i tried, i really did.

 

i tried so hard to make it right, i tried to tell jenna that i didn't like him, that i didn't feel like that...she didn't listen, no one ever listens.

 

why?

 

 

what did i do to deserve this kind of treatment?

 

maybe one day i will figure it out. maybe god is punishing me because i like boys too. it shouldn't be wrong. it should never be wrong. why do they tell me it's wrong?

 

ive never done anything so horribly wrong....at least i think????

 

have i??

 

i don't know

 

i miss her so much

 

i wish she would talk to me, listen

 

i think i'm in love and she clearly isn't and whoever told her that i didn't like her is a bad person

 

she liked me

 

and now she doesn't and now she never will because i unintentionally broke her heart and now my heart is broken

 

but he came onto me i told him that we couldnt do that because i had her

 

i dont think he wouldve told her that he kissed me because he's ashamed of himself

 

someone told jenna that i came onto him and now he wont talk to me and everyone thinks im gay and im not straight but im not gay either and im certainly not ready for my family or anyone to know that

 

my dads a fucking priest can you imagine the shit he'd do if he found out that a guy kissed me ???

or that i liked boys

 

fuck


	10. EI GHT

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hi hi! sorry for the wait i was going through some stuff :///
> 
> the song is by lord heron it’s called the night we met

"Josh?" The red haired boy had heard his brothers voice traveling through his ears. He'd only groaned in response. "Dude, lets go. It's Sunday."

 

Josh hated Sundays.  Waking up early just to go back to sleep in two hours was not ideal. He desperately just wanted to back to sleep and forget about the world for another few hours.

 

Sighing, Josh rubbed his eyes tiredly. "Alright, alright, I'm awake."

 

"We're leaving in 30." Jordan mumbled, shutting Josh's door.

 

Church used to be a lot more enjoyable because Ashley was around. Now, it wasn't as much fun and going kind of pissed him off. Some people felt more connected to their late loved ones when they were in church. However, Josh couldn't feel more disconnected.

 

One of the biggest things that bothered Josh about the priest was how he had frequently commented about gay people, and how being gay was a sin. It bothered him a lot, it really did. He obviously never voiced his opinion on it, as he wasn't really ready to come out yet.

 

Begrudgingly, he got out of his bed, trying to shake the sleep out of him with each step he took. After getting boxers and socks, he grabbed the only pair of black non-ripped jeans he had (they were specifically for church), followed by a light blue button up.

 

His feet softly walked across the wooden floor of the hallway, walking into the bathroom. He splashed water through his face, followed by brushing his teeth. His brown eyes met his reflection, staring at himself for a good minute, slightly frowning. He wasn't very happy with his appearance but wasn't necessarily unhappy with it either. Unfortunately, he didn't have enough time to be concerned about it. Another sigh escaped his lips as he walked back into his room, stripping himself from his clothes and putting on the ones he had previously laid out.

 

When he deemed to be finished, he wondered downstairs, seeing his father and younger sister sitting on the couch. As he copied their actions, he had almost looked for Ashley before remembering. He sighed, looking at the empty seat next to him. If only she were here.

 

The drive was boring. There was nothing to talk about as he stared out the window, bored and wondering. His mother and father were asking Jordan about football and then they focused on Abby and her dance performance. Josh tried to listen, but it was hard when all he could think about was how Ashley couldn't do any of things she used to. If she wanted to sing or dance or even play football, she couldn't. He wished he could stop thinking about it all the time because it made him sick to his stomach. Josh wished he could be a teenager again. Instead all he did was worry and think about things he couldn't change.

 

The service was nice. Boring, but nice. Josh barely paid attention because he kept zoning out, too busy thinking about Tyler and Ashley and how different everyone could be. He would have never met Tyler if Ashley hadn't died, so at least one good thing came from it.

 

While there wasn't much Josh paid attention to that Sunday morning, he did notice that their priest had an uncanny resemblance to Tyler, as well as two of the younger boys who assisted him in the service. It was almost as if he had been related to them.

 

Once the service was finished, Josh boldly walked up to the priest, his confidence faltering.

 

"Josh!" He exclaimed warmly. "I've talked to your mother and father about Ashley but I've yet to speak with you...and my condolences. I'm very sorry for your loss."

 

Hearing her name and having to acknowledge the fact that she was dead hurt less every time, but the pang in his chest was unpreventable as flashed a tight-lipped smile. "Thank you, Father. I appreciate it."

 

"We've been praying, my family and I. I believe she is with God now, much happier, much safer."

 

The words brought him a great comfort; provided him with reassurance he didn't know he needed. "I do too." He whispered, glancing at the cross behind Father Joseph for a moment. "Is your son Tyler?"

 

The priest smiled again. "Yes," Father Joseph confirmed, making Josh smile slightly.

 

"He's-he's a really great person. I've never met someone as genuine as him." Before Father Joseph could reply, Josh had heard his mother call his name. "Well, I've got to go...Good service today, Father. Thank you."

 

As all of the Dun's gathered into the car, Josh's father spoke. "What were you talking to father about?" He inquired, glancing towards Josh through the rear view mirror.

 

"Ashley," He replied quietly, disliking the way his father stiffened at the name of his own daughter.

 

He was still in denial, Josh thought. He knew grief was different for everyone, but to still struggle with believing it ever happened and pretending Ashley didn't exist as a result was just too much for Josh. It made him so upset, so betrayed.  The ride home was silent, and it was probably for the best.

 

An hour after getting home, Josh walked over to Green Law Cemetery. He was bored and missed Tyler. His brain seemed to have memorized the way to the cemetery as he walked carelessly, letting his feet lead him. He was stuck in his thoughts, too deep in to escape.

 

Josh's presence seemed to have started Tyler, who flinched when he greeted him. "Hi." He said gently, sitting down next the boy.

 

Tyler instantly laced their hands, resting his head on Josh's shoulder. It felt like Josh was holding hands with ice, but he didn't mind. "I missed you." He whispered.

 

The words made Josh's heart face, a smile instantly gracing his face as he replied. "I missed you."

 

Tyler hummed, squeezing Josh's hand. "Did you do anything today?"

 

"Church." He replied, causing Tyler to nod. "I talked to your dad today. I didn't know Father Joseph was your actual father."

 

Tyler's body instantly recoiled, his eyes wide. "What?" He questioned. "What did you say?"

 

Josh frowned at his reaction. "Just talked to him about how great you are, nothing bad. Relax."

 

"Oh my god." Tyler murmured, rubbing his face. "Why would you do that? Couldn't you tell I'm not on good terms with my family?"

 

Josh didn't know what to say. He felt speechless. "Tyler, I-"

 

"Seriously, what the fuck, Josh!"

 

"I didn't mean to make you mad, Ty, I'm so-"

 

"Look, I just-I think you should go."

 

"What...? Tyler, please, just-"

 

"Just go! Leave me alone!"

 

Josh's face softened, feeling anxiety so intense that he thought he was going to die. All of the air in his lungs had escaped him, and he couldn't bare it. No words came out of his mouth as he turned his head, beginning to run.

 

His eyes were watering as he ran all the back to his house, feeling the droplets if rain that were beginning to pour soak into his head, his red hair dye tinting the drops that fell from his hair.

 

When he had gotten home and went directly to his room, his knees were pressed against his chest, head in between them, trying to breathe in and out. Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles. Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles. Breathe in the roses, blow out the candles.

 

The panic attack was ripping through his body with full intensity, a feeling he hadn't felt seen Ashley's death erupting inside him again. He couldn't see straight, vision blocked by salty tears.

 

He didn’t have enough time to calm down before someone was behind his door. "Josh?" He heard his mothers voice, followed by knocking on his door. "That boy is here again."

 

What was Tyler doing here? Josh didn’t want him to see him like this. He looked like a mess.

 

"Tell him to come up here, please." He murmured, his voice weak.

 

The door was opened after a minute, Tyler's frail figure appearing.  "Oh god, Josh," Tyler frowned at his state, beginning to feel bad for yelling at him. "Did I trigger that?"

 

"It's fine."

 

"I'm sorry I freaked out on you. I didn't mean it."

 

"It's okay," Josh whispered.

 

"Look, I'll tell you what happened, okay? I'll tell you why I don't talk to my dad anymore."

 

The red haired boy looked nervous but nodded anyways. "Okay..."

 

"You know how I told you I was in a relationship?"

 

"Yeah..." He replied uncertainly.

 

"Someone I used to know was jealous of it because they liked me, and then they kissed me. He told the girl that I was dating and was so fucking in love with that I kissed him, which wasn’t true, but she believed him. Basically everyone thought I was gay, and being here,” He gestured to his surroundings. “and being gay isn’t exactly a good thing."

 

“Your dad found out?” Josh questioned.

 

“I don’t know.” Tyler mumbled. “I did something I kind of regret now, and I can’t take it back. I can’t go up to him and face it. Not after how bad I fucked up.” He explained, making Josh frown.

 

“What’d you do?”

 

Tyler’s eyes widened, his chest raising up and down faster than before. “I,” He stuttered. “I don’t want to say,” He managed. “It’s too much for me because I really messed up and-and they’ll never forgive me and you’ll think of me different because I-I-I really hurt them, not-not physically, obvi-”

 

He didn’t realize he was shaking until Josh grasped his hands. “Hey, it’s okay. You’re okay.” Tyler took a deep breath, crawling into Josh’s lap, his face hidden in the crook of his neck.

 

 

“I’m sorry,” He cried, a whimper escaping his lips. “I’m so sorry Josh,” He helplessly spoke. “I’m supposed to be there f-for you but I’m hurting s-so bad, and it’s just becoming too much and I don’t know what to do,”

 

Josh held him tight, giving him reassurance. “I’m here for you, Ty. I’m right here. You’re safe and you’re gonna be okay.”

 

“I miss my mom.” He pulled back, wiping his eyes. “Oh my god, I miss my brothers. And my little sister, I miss her so much. I hate this. Why can’t I just die?!” He gasped for air, letting out another sob.

 

Josh pulled him back into his arms, holding him tighter. “Don’t say that. Please don’t say that. I cant lose you too, okay? I need you here.”

 

“You’d be better off without me.” He whispered, relaxing his body on Josh’s, although he as still shaking.

 

“I wouldn’t. I promise you I wouldn’t.”


	11. N INE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm going to put a trigger warning because this one has graphic descriptions of self harm. I do not endorse or promote self harm in any way, shape, or form and if you're self harming or having thoughts about it, please message me or talk to someone. Please be safe, message me for a summary if needed.
> 
> Start the song. It's Unsteady by X Ambassadors.

**TYLER**

  _october_ , _the_ _previous_ _year_

 

I cracked. I don't know why, or even how, but I did. Something inside me broke today, and I have no idea why it happened.

 

It felt like I had a button that I wasn't supposed to push, but I did. Or maybe there was a line, a clear line I couldn't cross but did anyway. Perhaps there was a warning sign god gave me, and I didn't realize it. I didn't know what the fuck was going on with me and I didn't know how to even approach it, let alone make it better.

 

I knew that what I was doing probably wasn't going to fix anything; I couldn't care less.

 

Perhaps it was seeing Jenna with a guy who wasn't me. Or, it might've been that I missed nearly every shot at practice today. It also could've been the fact that I broke the wire to my keyboard when I got home. And, to top it all off, I lost my fucking headphones. I was so beyond mad.

 

Maybe I do know why it happened.

 

Just to be cautious, I locked my door before collapsing onto my bed, allowing my emotions to completely captivate me. The sadness, the pain made me feel like I was suffocating.

 

My hands shook as I grabbed my scissors, pulling up my basketball shorts and staring at my bare thighs. They were skinny and I felt the need to do something. Before I knew it, the blade of the scissors were against my skin, sliding against it. It was enough to leave a scratch, but not enough to bleed.

 

I pressed harder. A lot harder than I intended, and it shocked me. Small droplets of blood formed on the rather large slice, and I watched in both interest and fear.

 

To be completely honest, I felt a sense of control. The feeling was foreign, but I didn't hate it. In fact, it felt nice. It felt like I was in control of my life and what I was doing. For once, I felt relief and control. I felt that with every cut I made, I was releasing part of the bad.

 

And even though it really stung, it didn't stop me from doing it again, and again. Half of my thigh was covered in blood and cuts, and as I cried, I felt better. It was a bittersweet feeling. I could only hope my family wouldn't find out.

 

—

 

Getting up the next morning was challenge, to say the least. My legs ached terribly and I felt worse than before. I suddenly didn't know if it was worth it, anymore. I was beginning to regret what I did last night as I stepped into the bathroom and saw how horrible my legs looked. 

 

They were red and irritated, the scabs already forming. Part of me had an urge to pick at them and make myself bleed once more, but I fought it. I had to go to school and I didn't have time to do that.

 

Even though it made me feel better in that moment, it made me feel a lot worse afterwards. As I realized that I'd probably have a bunch of scars on the top of my legs now, I felt the need to cry. It felt like my chest was concaved; there was nothing left inside of it. My heart was beating but it didn't feel like it at all. I was really feeling dead at this point.

 

I wish I was normal. I really do. None of my friends thought like that. None of them would ever even think about doing something like this. And then here I was, crying alone in my bathroom because I hated myself so much.

 

Pathetic was an understatement as to how I felt. My life was going great. I was probably going to get a scholarship to college, I had a good chance to find a girlfriend, I went to church on Sundays, I did what was expected of me. So why was I so messed up? Why did this demon in my brain get to escape and captivate my thoughts and make me feel this way all of the time?

 

I didn't know.

 

When I saw my mom in the kitchen, I wanted to cry. More than anything, I wanted to tell her what was going on. I wanted to confess what I did and tell her how horrible I was and ask her to forgive me. But I couldn't. I didn't have the guts or the heart to tell her that. Seeing that sadness and disappointment on her face would be way too much for me to handle.

 

Throughout the school day, I felt like people somehow knew what I was doing. I felt like they were staring at me, at my legs, like they knew the truth hidden beneath them. It terrified me.

 

When Brendon asked me what was wrong with a face of full concern, I sort of wanted to punch him. He didn't have a right to ask me what was wrong after he had messed up not only our relationship, but entire high school life. I only shrugged, walking away from him before he could ask any more questions.

 

It was only October, and I kept praying that it would be Summer break faster. I just needed it to end. I hated school. I miss when everything was okay, when my only problems were scuffing my sneakers on the basketball court.

 

Practice hurt like a bitch. My thighs ached and I felt a few scabs spread open as I jumped and bended my legs. I considered myself lucky when no blood peaked out of my shorts and was suddenly grateful that I was wearing black today.

 

The only good thing that happened throughout the day was when I made nearly every shot while playing. Otherwise, it was dreadful.

 

Honestly, everything kept getting worse and worse. I scared it was never going to get better.


	12. t EN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> song is No Longer What You Require by Howie Day.

"Hey," Josh said softly, snatching Tyler's attention from the gravestone he was panting on.

 

Tyler grinned, the smile spreading from cheek to cheek as stared up at him. "Hi," He said in a tone similar to Josh's. "I've missed you." He added.

 

The words brought a smile to Josh's face. "I missed you too, Ty."

 

The brunette grinned, his eyes staring all over Josh's face. "Wanna go to into the forest?" Tyler questioned suddenly, gesturing his head over towards the many trees behind the gated fence that spilt the forest and the cemetery.

 

"Sure," Shrugging, Josh offered his hand to Tyler, allowing the brunette to use him to pull himself up.

 

They walked for a while, Josh following Tyler. They both didn't really know where they were going, but it was fine. Josh didn't know how long they had walked for before Tyler decided to sit down against a tree, but he didn't mind. As long as he was spending time with him, he was happy. The yellow dandelions that would have normally been sprouting weren't there due to the cold Ohio weather. Josh shivered.

 

"There's this show I started watching." Josh said after a long, calming silence. Tyler's eyebrows raised to show he was listening. "It's about dead people." He explained briefly. "Sorta."

 

"Sorta?" Tyler repeated, amused. He grinned slightly, his eyes trailed to his feet.

 

"Well, the main characters aren't dead... because then they would be dead-"

 

"Wow, really? Shocking!" Tyler giggled, making Josh smile.

 

Josh rolled his eyes. "So like, the story takes-"

 

"So like, the story takes-" Tyler started mocking him playfully.

 

"Mock me again, Ty, I dare you," He challenged moving closer to Tyler causing the brunette to move back slightly as Josh hovered over him from where he was sitting. He felt giddy.

 

"Why? What are you gonna do?" He retorted, moving closer to Josh, their foreheads pressing together.

 

He stared down into Tyler's eyes, the shades of brown overwhelming him for a brief second. Their faces were so close, so much closer than they had ever been and Josh felt like his heart was going to spill out of his body and fall out all over the ground.

 

Josh pressed a soft kiss to the tip of Tyler's nose, smiling as the brunette below him giggled. "That was cute," Josh noted. "I might have to do that again just hear you laugh."

 

Tyler was beaming up at him. "You might have to." He replied quietly, his lips tugged between his teeth as he thought about his next sentence. "Maybe next time it won't be my nose, though."

 

"Next time?" Josh raised his eyebrows, the grin on his face inevitable. "Is that a challenge?"

 

"Maybe." He whispered, his voice a soft velvet as his right hand reached up to play with Josh's curls. A small smile spread to his face as he stared into Josh's eyes. "Josh?" Tyler questioned softly, his breathing steady. The brunette was now lying on the forest ground completely, Josh still hovering over him.

 

"Yeah, babe?"

 

A bright pink blush spread on Tyler's face, his hands were quick to cover the color but Josh could tell how the pet name had affected him. "Babe?" Tyler repeated, allowing his eyes to peak from his hands.

 

"You don't like it?" Josh furrowed his eyebrows, a slight frown present on his face. "I won't-"

 

"No!" Tyler quickly removed his hands from his face. "I-I like it. It's just..new. No one has ever called me that before." He bit his lip, hiding the crooked teeth Josh thought were adorable.

 

"I'm honored to be the first, then." He said cheekily, making Tyler giggle again.

 

"But for the record, I kinda like baby more." Tyler said nonchalantly, the same cheeky expression on his face.

 

"Noted." Josh rolled his eyes. "What were you gonna say before?"

 

Another blush made way onto Tyler's cheeks. "It's nothing," He dismissed, his eyes shying away from Josh's.

 

Josh titled Tyler's head back in the direction it was prior, ultimately making him look up at Josh again. "I don't think I can take you up on that challenge if you don't tell me." He spoke casually, laughing softly when Tyler's bottom lip stuck out in protest.

 

"No!! Please?" He whined, subconsciously moving his body upwards off of the ground and closer to the boy hovering over him.

 

"I'll consider it." He spoke. "Only if you tell me what you were going to say." Tyler went to protest but with one stern look from Josh, he was silent.

 

"I was going to say that you're really pretty." Tyler mumbled, making Josh smile.

 

"Not really, but thank you. You're much prettier."

 

"Definitely not." Tyler shook his head.

 

"How would you feel if I took you up on that challenge right now?"

 

Tyler blushed at the words, struggling to think of a reply for a good 5 seconds. "There's only one way to find out." The brunette whispered.

 

Within seconds, Josh's soft pink lips were attached to Tyler's colder, plump ones. Magic was the only way to describe it. Pure bliss. Incredible. Josh's heart was beating out of his ribcage as he pulled back, his eyes taking notice of the bright red glow on Tyler's cheeks.

 

"Anyway," Josh cleared his throat. "Part of it includes morticians and I just think that's so scary. Like, how could you just touch dead people?"

 

Tyler laughed softly, shrugging. Part of him was glad Josh didn't mention the kiss. He would talk about it, but not right now. It was good to know that they could still be normal if they were ever something more than friends. "I don't know. Imagine how cold they are, ugh." Tyler visibly shivered.

 

"Speaking of cold, you look cold."

 

"I'm always cold." Tyler shrugged.

 

"We could go back to my house, if you want. I can assure you it will not be cold."

 

Displaying his crooked teeth, Tyler nodded with a smile. "Sure, if you don't mind."

 

"I wouldn't have suggested it if I did."

 

——

 

"Wait!" Tyler said frantically, causing Josh to jump as he quickly turned around, leaving his key in the door. "Is your mom okay with this? I don't want to intrude..."

 

"She'll be trilled that I have someone coming over. Trust me." He ensures Tyler, causing him to nod hesitantly. Josh turned his keys, opening his door softly, his eyes peering in for any sign of life.

 

Once he had realized she wasn't home and he didn't need to introduce Tyler, he led the boy into his room, watching his brown eyes scatter the room with interest.

 

"Ty? Wanna watch a movie or something?" The brunette nodded, hesitantly sitting on Josh's bed, reluctant to lay on it or ever take his jacket off. Sensing his cautiousness, Josh sat down next to him. "You can lay down, you know. Make yourself at home. Don't feel weird." The words seemed to put Tyler at ease because he was slipping his worn out black Vans off of his feet in seconds.

 

"I'm still really cold." Tyler informed him honestly, causing Josh to nod.

 

"Get under my blankets. I can hold you, if that's not weird. It might help-"

 

"It's not weird." Tyler interrupted, cringing once he realized how desperate he sounded. "I-I mean, it's fine. I'm, uhm, cool with it." He tried to mask his eagerness. Josh kind of caught on, but it was fine. He didn't mention it.

 

After turning on the  movie, Josh crept into his bed, smiling to himself when Tyler immediately situated himself on top of his chest.

 

"This is really nice." The brunette whispered. Again, Josh smiled. He seemed to be always smiling when he was around Tyler.

 

"What is?" He questioned, not understanding what he meant by the vague statement.

 

"Just being here. Human contact. It's...good."

 

Josh grinned yet again. "Yeah," He replied quietly. "It's pretty good."

 

"Josh?" Tyler voiced, his brown eyes locking with the red head's.

 

"Yes, baby?"

 

Tyler blushed again, a much brighter color this time. He was quick to shove his face in one of Josh's chest, a chuckle from him. "You're making me feel all warm inside." He murmured into his chest.

 

"You always make me feel like that." Josh retorted.

 

Hesitantly, Tyler looked up at Josh, pink still on his cheeks. "Really?" He asked softly.

 

"Would I lie to you?"

 

"I-I don't think so." The brunette replied nervously.

 

"I wouldn't." He assured him.

 

"Thank you."

 

Puzzlement filled Josh's features. "What for?"

 

"Making me feel alive again. I haven't felt this happy in a long time."

 

 

————

 

Josh wasn't sure when he had woken up, but the first thing he noticed was that the body next to him was gone. A frown immediately graced his lips, and as reached on his dresser for his bottle of water, he felt a piece of paper.

 

Despite the darkness, Josh could make out the words.

_hey josh,_

 

_i just wanted to let you know that i won't be back for a while. i don't know when i will be back, and i'm sorry. i'll be back eventually though. just go to green lawn cemetery. i'll be there one day when you're looking, right at the spot i always am. please don't think you did anything wrong. i just need time to think. i'm very worried. nothing lasts forever. good things come to an end eventually. i'm so scared to lose you, josh. i need to think. i'll still be around, but just not near you. i promise i'll be back though._

 

_\- ty_

 

_ps. feel free to take me up on that challenge again when you see me. promise i won't mind._

 

Josh was confused, to say the least. He was left wondering if he did anything wrong and kept reliving every moment with Tyler the prior day, trying to nitpick what could've made him upset, what could've ruined what Josh thought was a great night. He didn't even realize he was crying until a giant teardrop splattered on the paper of the letter Tyler had wrote.

 

Surely he couldn't have done anything that bad if Tyler had implied that he wanted Josh to kiss him again, right?

__**__** _____ _ __

* * *

 


	13. EL VEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i’m back!  
> lol i saw the pilots 5 times during my departure how are all of you?
> 
> the song is not about angels by birdy! also, this gets triggering just b safe

 

The first week without Tyler, Josh was a mess. He felt like he was on the verge of killing himself every other second, and going to school only made it worse. Tyler was his coping mechanism; Tyler made him better.

 

Hell, Tyler made everything better.

 

Josh didn't know if he was in love with Tyler but he somewhat felt like it was huge possibility because being without him felt impossible.

 

He had to talk to him, had to get everything off of his chest. His head hurt because all he thought about was Tyler, Tyler, Tyler. The main thing he needed to discuss with him was the news he had found out only 3 days ago-he was moving.

 

 _Moving_.

 

Josh didn't want to move, and even though he understood why his mother wanted to leave the house where his younger sister died, Josh didn't. It felt wrong, it felt cowardly. He didn't want to run away from his problems and it felt like that was exactly what his mother was advocating. She was the one who suggested it and everyone besides Josh thought it was good idea. The world around him was falling apart and all he wanted at the moment was to be with Tyler.

 

So when he went to the cemetery for the 16th day in a row and he saw the brunette sitting on the ground, his heart nearly jumped out of his chest. He wanted to run towards him but he remained relaxed, despite how much he missed him.

 

Part of him wanted to be mad, to yell at him and say how much it hurt him that Tyler had abandoned him for what wasn't necessarily a long time but what felt like eternity for Josh. The other part of him was happy to have Tyler back, happy to be able to hold his hands and talk to him about anything and everything.

 

Sitting down next to him was a bittersweet feeling. Bitter because he knew he wouldn't be able to do it soon, but sweet because this had been all Josh wanted for the past 16 days. His black jeans hugged his legs tightly as he sat down, studying Tyler's movements.

 

Without looking up, Tyler was the first to speak. "Hi." His voice was timid.

 

The sky was a light blue, small amounts of clouds covering certain parts of the sky. The sun was shining against the sparkling graphite of certain graves. The grave Tyler always paid such dear attention to was covered by shade, as was Tyler, as he was only inches away from the grave. That particular grave was made from stone, though, so it wouldn't look much different if the sun shined on it.

 

"Hi," Josh repeated, biting his lip. "How have you been?"

 

Tyler looked up at that, his eyebrows furrowed. "I completely ignored you for two weeks without any explanation and you want to know how _I've_ been?" He questioned, making Josh blush.

 

"I care about you, Ty."

 

The nickname made Tyler smile to himself and the sentence itself gave Tyler a very unfamiliar feeling he only really got around Josh. He missed it over the course of the two weeks he was gone. "

 

"Tyler, I'm moving."

 

"What?" Tyler gasped, backing away from Josh as if he was physically hurt. He nearly hit his body against the gravestone he wassitting by.

 

"I'm moving."

 

"Like-like, away?" The brunette stuttered, hands beginning to shake.

 

"Yes. Out of Ohio." The red haired boy confirmed.

 

"But you can't leave." He whispered to himself.

 

"What?" Josh didn't hear his words.

 

"That's good, Josh." Tyler murmured, leaning back against the gravestone. Josh was taken back by his words.

 

"You're not upset?" The boy sounded confused.

 

"No, of course not."

 

Josh's face faltered only for a moment. "Oh. Okay."

 

Did Tyler even care? It didn't seem like he gave a damn about Josh leaving him. Did any of this ever mean anything to Tyler? Why was he so nonchalant about Josh's departure?

 

"I'm going to miss you, Josh." It seemed as if Tyler read Josh's thoughts.

 

Josh looked uncomfortable as he nodded. Tyler didn't sound very sure of himself. "I'll miss you too."

 

"Do you know when you're leaving?"

 

"Soon," He offered, feeling hollow. He visibly shrunk as he stared at Tyler, who seemed both numb and unaffected.

 

Tyler changed the subject after that, talking about various things and random topics, as if everything was normal. Josh didn't know if it was a good thing or not. Part of him thought Tyler was pushing away the thought as a coping mechanism, but the other part of him was convinced that Tyler didn't actually care at all. He tried not to let the thought eat at him as Tyler rambled, but it was nearly impossible. Eventually, Tyler stopped talking, not knowing what else to say.

 

"You're upset with me." Tyler pointed out after the silence became unbearable.

 

Josh shook his head, wishing he could prevent the thoughts of self consciousness and utter despair. He didn't want to go home and he alone. How was he supposed to trust himself? "No." Josh ran his hands through his hair, his eyes shutting. The sleeve of his loose black jumper fell down to his elbow, but he paid no mind.

 

"You ar-what are those?" Tyler's eyes were wide, his eyebrows furrowed. His brown orbs scanned the multitude of fresh, bright, red lines that scattered Josh's arm.

 

Josh's eyes shot open, suddenly realizing what Tyler was talking about. "Nothing. They're nothing." He dismissed him.

 

Tyler grabbed his arm, feeling his eyes well up with tears. "I-Josh," Tyler squeezed his eyes shut, trying to compose himself. "How recent are these?" His voice cracked. His fingers lightly skimmed the cuts.

 

"Last night," He replied honestly, making Tyler fill with guilt. If Tyler was with him it could've been prevented. Tyler hadn't said anything for a good few seconds, and Josh retreated his arm, pulling down his sleeve protectively. "I'm sorry." He whispered.

 

"Don't apologize," He shook his head. "Please." He begged. "I'm not mad at you. I'm mad at myself. I should've been there with you and I wasn't."

 

Josh shrugged. "It's okay." He sounded defeated, and Tyler felt incredibly guilty.

 

"Josh, I need you stay with me." Sounding defeated and very broken, Tyler spoke.

 

Eyebrows furrowed, Josh looked back at Tyler, confused. "What?"

 

"I need you with me. I wanna stay with you.

 

"Ty, I don't really have a ch-"

 

"Josh, y-you don't understand. You're all that I have." Tyler bit his lip, his leg beginning to tap the ground from anxiety.

 

"You have your family."

 

"No-no-no, they-they ignore me, Josh. I need you here. You can't leave me."

 

"I'm sorry, Ty. I can't control this one." The entire world felt like it was crashing down on Tyler. Why couldn't he have known this 16 days ago? He would have never left Josh for so long.

 

Tyler felt his eyes watering. "Josh, it hurts," He whimpered.

 

He was so confused by the statement. Why did Tyler always say such weird things? "What?"

 

"When you're crying, it's your like-it's like your soul bleeding, Josh. It's showing that you're hurt. I feel like I'm dying. My soul is starting to bleed. I'm going to bleed out because this hurts so much. It hurts so bad."

 

"What? Tyler, you're making no sense. What's hurting you?"

 

"You. You're hurting me. I can't imagine you leaving me. This is going to kill me. You can't leave," He whimpered, his back pressing against the familiar gravestone. He put his head between his legs, inhaling and exhaling and repeating the process.

 

"Baby, you're gonna be okay," Josh tried to calm him down, but Tyler wasn't having it.

 

"No," He whispered, shaking his head roughly. "Please, Josh. You have to stay with me."

 

"It really isn't my choice-"

 

"Well make it your choice!" Tyler shouted, both startling and silencing Josh in the process. "I-You can't leave. I need you with me. You're all I have."

 

"Ty, that's not true. You have your family, baby. You're not alone. It's all okay."

 

Wiping his eyes, he whimpered as Josh spoke, shaking his head rapidly. "I already told you, J. They d-d-don't talk to me. They don't l-listen like you do."

 

"I know you're gonna be okay. You were able to last over two weeks without me." Josh pointed out.

 

Tyler searched for any composure he had left within him. "Do you think I'm ever going to see you again?" He inquired, his voice remaining steady despite how unsteady he felt.

 

"I don't know, sweetheart." He answered honestly, shrugging. His own eyes got teary at the thought of never seeing Tyler again. What was he going to do without Tyler?

 

Tyler's hands covered his face, feeling himself begin to hyperventilate "Oh my god, why? Why? Why?" He cried into his hands, his entire body shaking. Josh didn't know what to do. He was scared for Tyler. The brunette looked up, his brown teary eyes staring at the sky as if it could hear him. As if something, anything, was listening to him. He closed his eyes. "Please. Tell me what to do. I can't do this anymore. I can't keep doing this." His hands connected as he held them to his head, whispering please.

 

"Ty?" Josh said gently, placing his hand on Tyler's shoulder, causing him to open his eyes. "I'm so sorry."

 

"It's not your fault." He dismissed Josh's apology. Fresh tears escaped his eyes. "It's not your fault. I know that. I'm just selfish. I want you with me and now I can't have that." He mumbled.

 

"I wish I could stay," Josh whispered. The red haired boy motioned for Tyler to come to him, who climbed onto his lap. Josh's hands toyed with the short hair on top of Tyler's head. The gravestone Tyler was pressed against was colored a bright red. He sighed, feeling the emptiness crawling back into his chest.

 

Tyler sighed against Josh's chest. "Me too."


	14. entry 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this is triggering and so is every chapter after this please be safe

i'm starting to feel numb again. i'm breathing and i'm living and i'm seeing things and of someone hits me, i'll feel it. if someone hurts me, i won't feel a thing. in a way, it's a good thing. it's good to know because when you catch feelings and feel emotions you almost always end up regretting it and hating everything. my chest hurts. 

i don't know why, but i feel like someone put a 200 pound weight where my heart should be. i feel like i'm not breathing. i feel like there isn't skin on my body anymore. i feel like there's just this thin layer of protection covering my blood, bones, and organs. i'm scared that it's going to go away. i'm scared that i'll make it go away without meaning to. it's scary. it's so so scary. this thing in mind is eating me alive.it makes everything scary. the sky is black and so is the ocean.... i have no idea what i'm writing nor what i mean. everything hurts. 

i can't keep doing this to myself. and what will i do when it's sunmer? what if the marks do not fade? what if everyone sees them and they all make fun of me and they all know what i did to myself? how do i explain it?

it doesn't make sense to me, either. it just hurts and by hurting myself i make it hurt less. that doesn't make sense. i hurt myself to release some of the hurt? i hurt myself because i hate myself? i hurt myself because i deserve to feel nothing but pain? why do i do it to myself when i know absolutely nothing good will come from it..?

sometimes i get scared they'll see. my parents, i mean. i doubt they would, unless they walked in on me doing it or completely violated my privacy. i feel that if they ever find out i've done this to myself, they'll blame it on them. i wouldn't really do that. it's not their fault i'm so sad. if i wanted them to know, i would've made it obvious. i wouldn't slice my upper thighs. i'd do my wrists and make it a full display. but i don't want people to know. it's like my....little secret. my absolutely fucked up and twisted secret. 

i hope god will forgive me. i hope i didn't disappoint him. i'm trying. i really am. it just isn't working


	15. TW E LVE

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> two updates bc i love you guys. the song is radio by lana del ray

 

**TYLER**

November of the previous year

 

 

"You know you mean a lot to me, right?" I asked, looking over at Brendon nervously. I adjusted my dark blue sweater as I waited for his response.

 

A smile appeared on his face, making me smile despite how much I really didn't want to. "Even after all the shit I've put you through?"

 

Brendon really did put me through an unnecessary amount of shit. He was still my best friend, though. I still loved him. As a friend, of course. He still might like me but I won't ask. I think it'd be better if I didn't know, to be honest.

 

I nodded. "Yeah," I stopped smiling, too focused on the gravestone staring back at me. That would be me someday. As much as death scared me, I couldn't help but be intrigued. "Just wanted to make sure you know," I added after an uncomfortable amount of silence.

 

Brendon looked at me again, his dark brown eyes boring into my slightly lighter colored ones. "You okay in there, Ty?" He questioned, innocently tapping my thigh.

 

Honestly, I couldn't help but wince. Fresh cuts scattered my leg, and it really stung. Inhaling sharply, I averted my eyes towards a different grave. "I'm fine," I laughed nervously. Lying to people was not my specialty. Especially when it was my best friend.

 

"If you say so." He replied, and I could imagine him giving me a skeptical look but I didn't bother to turn my head to see.

 

"I do," I singsonged. "If anything were to like, ever happen to me, you wouldn't be one of those stupid people and blame yourself, right?"

 

Brendon seemed really taken back and confused by the question which was completely understandable. "I mean, probably not. That's an awful weird question to ask, though. Should I be worried, Joseph?" He asked me, and for a second I almost thought he knew. But then I saw the grin on his face and soon realized that he was just messing around.

 

"Yup. Be worried. I'm gonna basketball too hard and break my legs. Both of them." I joked, smiling in satisfaction when Brendon laughed.

 

"That would be it for us, Ty. We'd be screwed without you." I didn't believe his words one bit but I smiled anyway.

 

"You have Dallon." I pointed out. "I think you'd be fine. Can I ask you a deep question?"

 

I didn't think Brendon was used to me changing the subject so quickly and it probably didn't really help with his ADHD. "Shoot." He encouraged.

 

"Does the idea of death seem nice to you?" I asked straightforwardly, watching Brendon's eyebrows furrow with curiosity.

 

"Uh, no? Seeing pure black for eternity as opposed to be able to see the beautiful shit we have here," He gestured to the air. "doesn't seemed like a fair trade. Even when I feel really fucking shitty, I still wouldn't think death would be nice. Not when there's so many things to still live for, and like, appreciate, I guess. Even the little stuff. Being able to breathe in the fresh air or just looking up at the stars. Or getting an A+ on a test you thought you were for sure going to fail. Winning our basketball games. Getting those chords on the piano right after the hundredth time. Seeing you, or anyone else I love. I would never wanna lose that. Think about it. Would not being able to hear my chemical romance anymore or see them live in a concert seem better than living? And especially before 18, too. People who die before 18 haven't even lived, dude. Like imagine not being able to drive or get drunk or anything before you die. Plus, when I'm 18, I'm gonna get so many tattoos. And we still gotta get our matching one...I'm getting off topic," He chuckled, and I swallowed the lump in my throat. "I don't know why anyone would want to die when there's so much to live for. Ya feel?"

 

I suddenly felt very overwhelmed by his statement because I really didn't 'feel'. Still, I nodded. "Yeah, I feel."

 

"Besides, I gotta see you make it as big basketball star one day, too. You're gonna make everyone so proud." Brendon smiled fondly at me.

 

"I hope so, man." I shrugged bashfully.

 

"You don't even need to hope. I'm telling you, Tyler. If there's any one of us who are gonna make it, it's you. You've really got something special. I can't wait to see it."

 

"Maybe," I replied honestly.

 

"Don't fucking maybe me. You know it. Say you're gonna make everyone proud."

 

"Bren, I-"

 

"Say it."

 

"Dude-"

 

"Say it."

 

"But-"

 

"Tyler fucking Joseph, if you don't say it I swear to g-" He was joking, and I couldn't help but erupt in a fit of giggles.

 

"Fine, fine, I'm gonna make everyone proud. Happy now?"

 

 

Our conversations after that were pointless and meaningless. I was home within the next hour, feeling an immeasurable weight in my ribs. Guilt was present too. Guilt for what? I didn't know.

 

I spent the next few hours googling random things such as 'how many pills do you have to take to die', 'how to load a gun', 'how to tie a noose', 'does it actually get better', 'things to live for', 'easy ways to die', 'how to tell your mom you're sad', and a bunch of other things. Some things helped. Others didn't.

 

As I was watching a video about tying a noose, my mother came into my room without warning, causing me to shut my laptop out of fright. She of course thought I was watching porn or something, judging by the disappointed look she gave me and the demand to see my laptop. Her face immediately turned confused as she looked at the title of the video I was watching.

 

"It's a project for school." I lied. "My topic is suicide so I've been looking up the methods."

 

My mom continued to frown at me. "That's an awfully dull topic for a school project. Anyway, your birthday is coming up. Is there anything in particular you want?"

 

 

I struggled to find an answer, so I shrugged. "I don't know. I already have what I need. Maybe a new pair of sneakers, I guess?" I smiled.

 

My mom only chuckled, placing her hands on both of my cheeks and kissing my forehead. "I can't believe you're going to be an adult next year. What am I going to do without my baby in the house?" She exclaimed dramatically.

 

"You'll live." I rolled my eyes jokingly.

 

"My very first baby. Already so old. I don't want you to grow up and leave me." She frowned, pressing another kiss to my head.

 

"Don't say it like that, mom. I'll still come back." I chuckled, trying to ignore the insane amount of guilt I had felt suddenly.

 

"I know you will. I just hate that I won't see you everyday." She sighed. "I'll let you finish that project. Goodnight, sweetheart. I love you."

 

"I love you too," I called out, feeling my eyes water as she closed the door.

 

Her words took a great toll on me. I wasn't expecting myself to get so worked up over it, but hearing my mom say that made me so scared. What was she going to do?

 

As I tried to sleep, I let Brendon's words pound into my skull. I nearly had a panic attack at the mere thought of leaving Brendon. I hoped that I could stick around. I really did. I just didn't know if I would be able to. I wanna get the matching tattoo with him. I do. I really do. But it was so hard.

 

My mind was monster; it had no mercy. It was the thunderstorm that interrupted a sunny day, a sudden sickness after months of being healthy, a rope that never stopped wrapping around my neck. When I prayed every night, I would ask God to make it better; to make it go away. I don't know if God just didn't care enough to listen or if he was trying to teach me a lesson. Either way, continuing to fight myself seemed like a death wish in itself. My brain would eat me alive until I put a stop to it. And I  knew there was only one way to do that.

 

Brendon really did almost change my mind.

 

 _Almost_.

 

Before I went to sleep, I wrote a simple sentence in my journal.

 

_for my birthday, i want to die._


	16. TH RITEEN

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is How to Save a Life by The Fray.

 

 

**5 days.**

 

That's all Josh had. 5 days until he left Tyler, 5 days until he moved, 5 days until he wouldn't be able to  what see Ashley's grave everyday, 5 days until he would leave the school he had grown so accustomed to, 5 days until he left the home he was so used to.

 

5 days.

 

He woke up abruptly, his heart pounding in his chest, begging to be freed from the cage it was trapped in. His blood vigorously pumped through his blood stream and he could hardly process anything but the sound of his wheezing and his attempts at trying to calm himself down. His lungs were begging to fill with air, eyes threatening to spill with tears. The atmosphere surrounding him felt like it was filled with poison, it felt as if carbon dioxide was invading his lungs instead.

 

Sitting up, his shaking hands ran his hands through his curls. Finally, the tears leaked from his eyes, the salty liquid dripping down his cheeks in a panic. A sob wrenched through his body, one hand going to cover his mouth to try and prevent sound from coming out.

 

Leaving was a cowardly thing to do. It didn't make sense. Ashley died in here, for fucks sake. How could they do that to her? This was her home. Who would want to buy their house knowing that a girl killed her self inside of it? The blood stains were still there. They were getting a new carpet to replace it. It felt like they were brushing off her death as if it never happened; as if she never existed. It fucking hurt.

 

How was he supposed to do this? How was he expected to live without the beautiful boy with tired eyes and dark sweaters and a lazy smile? Josh was going to miss seeing stupid scribbles on the graves that Tyler graffitied and he would miss the beautiful paintings Tyler would paint inside the house they sometimes had sleepovers in. God, his stupid grin and his soft, comforting words might be what he would miss the most.

 

Tyler was his coping mechanism. Tyler provided him his happiness; Hell, Tyler was his happiness. Going on without seemed impossible, unbearable.

 

The days Tyler disappeared were absolute hell. Josh kept having nightmares, kept thinking he was seeing Tyler when he was outside when he wasn't, he kept imagining him next to him because he couldn't deal with Tyler not being with him. He was a fucking wreck.

 

It felt like someone had sucked all of his good thoughts and feelings out of his body. It was almost as bad as when Ashley had died. Becoming that dependent on someone was terrifying. Especially because Tyler had the option to leave. He just chose not to. He could barely sleep, he barely ate, focusing on schoolwork seemed like a joke, and every time he even did so much as to _think_ about Tyler, he would cry. It made him feel ridiculously stupid, crying over Tyler like that, but he couldn't help it.

 

Tyler made everything better. He was the sun light on a cloudy day, he was the rainbow after the thunderstorm, he was the torch in a dark hall, he was the map for when one was lost, he was the ship for when one wanted to sail. He was a safe space. He was Tyler. He was everything.

 

He got out of his bed begrudgingly, slipping on his sweatshirt and his black sneakers before walking out the door without second thought. It was late. Josh knew he shouldn't be walking outside, but he also knew he needed to think straight. Walking would clear his head.

 

No one was out because it was so late, thankfully. It let Josh think in silence, it let him walk with only the dim street lights proving him a path to follow. It was extremely dark where the street lights didn't shine, so he was grateful for them.

 

 

He didn't realize that his feet were taking him to the familiar cemetery he had spent so much time at. He stared at Ashley's grave for a while, his bottom lip quivering as he thought about how bad she must've been mentally to get to that point. It was a white and black marble, it was pretty. She would've liked it, Josh was sure. Josh would like it for him when the time comes, too.

 

As he touched the marble, he was shocked at the coldness of it. It made him shiver as his finger tips traced the engraved letters that spelled out his sisters name. The emptiness he had felt while staring at the gravestone made him honestly want to be buried right next to her.

 

"I'm so sorry," He whispered, wiping his teary eyes. "I didn't mean to let you down, Ash. I'm really failing you, still. If you were still here, you'd probably punch me in the face or something. God, you'd be so mad. I wouldn't even blame you. I thought we were so close...maybe I was wrong. I'm sorry you didn't feel like you could talk to me. Truly." A few more tears fell onto the grass as Josh placed both hands on the marble, as if it were Ashley. "Right now, I'm doing good, I guess. I love you so much and to be honest it fucking sucks without you. I have one good thing in my life and I'm losing him in 5 days. I don't know what I'll do when I can't see him. He's the only thing that makes me feel better," He started sobbing again, wrapping his arms around his cold body, rocking himself back and forth. "I feel so lost right now, Ash. I'm so scared. I don't know what's gonna happen and I can't do anything about it. I need him. I need you to come back. I hate this. Why'd you have to leave me?!" He exclaimed, crying even harder. "I lied. I'm doing so bad and Tyler's the only one who can make it better and I'm leaving. Oh my god, I'm leaving. I'm leaving."

 

He probably would seem like a maniac to any bystander but he was in such a state of hurt and panic that he didn't care. Plus, it was in the middle of the night. Josh stood up without another word, walking further into the graveyard, mindlessly stepping on graves that didn't peak out from the ground.

 

He had finally arrived to the familiar place Tyler always sat, sighing in relief. Just knowing that he would be here again with Tyler tomorrow made him much calmer. He'd be able to hold his hands and stare at his pale face and just appreciate him. God, he missed him. It was so weird that he missed him so much when he had seen him earlier that day.

 

He didn't know how long he had sat by himself, staring up at the sky or the trees, thinking about his life and thinking about Tyler. He'd finally averted his eyes to the ground, his hands grabbing the very dead grass and pulling at it, watching it fall in between his fingers and back onto the ground. He did that for a long time, his eyes slipping shut as his breathing had finally evened out.

 

As he went to grab another handful of dead grass, his eyebrows furrowed when he realized that the paint that was normally smeared all over the grave was gone. That was strange. Tyler has always painted it random colors. Why was there no paint on the grave right now?

 

His heart nearly dropped to his stomach when he read the name on the granite, his mouth going dry and his eyes growing his wide.

 

Tyler Robert Joseph.

 

But surely that wasn't Tyler's full name, right? And if it was, it must've been a different Tyler, right? It was late at night. Josh was tired. He needed to go to sleep. It was late.

 

It was too late. Josh was just tired. That was it. He needed to get some rest and relax from the excruciating mental breakdown he had just endured. He was so exhausted that his brain was providing him with morning reasons to be stressed out.

 

He shook off the jitters and began to walk home, trying to forget what he had seen. He must've been so tired. He'd see Tyler tomorrow and all would be fine. It was fine.

 

_Right_?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> yikes... it’s not really tyler tho right?


	17. FOU RTEE N

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the song is skinny love by birdy but u should wait to start it until i tell you. <3
> 
> also, Basically every chapter after this is extremely heavy. Please be safe and read them spaced out if you need to. Seriously. I can't even write these in one sitting because it makes me so upset. stay safe.

 

 

 

When Josh had woken up the next morning, he didn't want to go to school. He was exhausted from not sleeping last night, and on top of that, he was feeling incredibly anxious. The sunlight burned his brown orbs and he desperately wanted sleep to take over his body again. 

 

A few moments later, his mother had come in, about to wake him up when she saw that he was already awake. With a frown, she looked at his (clearly distraught) state.

 

"I'm gonna have a bad day." He said simply. "I feel really anxious."

 

Nodding, she sat on the edge of the bed, resting her hand on his knee. "Do you know why? Is it because of Ashley?"

 

Truthfully, he didn't know. There were probably a lot subliminal reasons even he himself didn't know. A lot of things were bothering him, but that was usual.

 

"I don't know." Weakly, he shrugged. "Just not feeling good."

 

Clicking her tongue, she patted his knee slightly as she nodded. "Do you think you'll be able to do school today?"

 

Instantly, Josh shook his head. "Please don't make me go Mom. I don't want to."

 

After a few moments of silence, she sighed. "Alright. Try to get some rest, okay? Call me if you need anything. I have no problem coming home to make sure you're okay."

 

The words were soothing to Josh and he nodded slowly. "Thanks, mom. I love you."

 

"I love you too, honey."

 

Considering he was also getting more depressed again, he was probably going to have a lot more bad days. While he knew he couldn't always take off of school when he wasn't feeling up to it, he really couldn't do it today. All he wanted to do was talk to Tyler and be in is presence. Especially because he wouldn't have that option in 4 days. Maybe that was the main trigger to his anxious state of mind.

 

**_Start the song. It’s Skinny Love by Birdy in case u forgot <3_ **

 

It was around 10 o'clock in the morning when Josh had woken up again. He felt better, but only slightly. He forced himself to get up though, and that was only because he wanted to see Tyler. He was dressed in a sweatpants and two hoodies and long sleeve because it was December and it was cold.

 

He was at the cemetery a bit later, instantly feeling much better as soon as he saw Tyler. He had no idea how the brunette was drawing without a jacket, considering he wasalways cold, but whatever.  He increased the pace of his steps as he got closer to him.

 

"Tyler." Josh breathed out, sitting down next to him when he was close enough. "Kiss me."

 

The words had obviously startled him, but nonetheless, Tyler attached their lips together with smile. As usual, it felt amazing. Josh had eventually taken control of the kiss, pushing Tyler's body down onto the dead grass, their teeth clashing together. It wasn't sweet like their other kisses had been, it was lot tougher than normal. Once Josh couldn't last not breathing anymore, he pulled back.

 

Tyler spoke before he could. "Are you okay?"

 

Of course he would know something was up. He always did. Shaking his head, Josh replied. "Not really?" He shrugged, unsure. “I think I'm going crazy." He added, rolling off of Tyler and settling himself next to him, their shoulders touching.

 

"You think you're going crazy?” The brown eyed boy repeated with a frown. “Why?"

 

"I saw your name on that gravestone last night." He mumbled, his eyes averting to the gravestone which was now painted with black and yellow hues. "Well, just your first name, I guess. Unless your name is Tyler Robert Joseph and I really am going insane."

 

Instantly, Tyler paled. Fuck. He knew he should've been more careful to cover up the gravestone last night. He could've prevented this, he could've kept this going for a long time. This 'thing' that made him genuinely happy and this ‘thing’ that made him genuinely smile.

 

What was he supposed to do? How could he lie about this? Technically, he could say that wasn't his full name, but Josh would have to catch on eventually. If you look up his name online it would show what happened. Did Josh have a computer? Could he do that? How didn't Josh catch on already? Tyler's had one too many slip ups as is. Why else would Tyler no longer talk to his family and why else would Tyler be so fucking attached to one gravestone? Why else would Tyler see his siblings and they wouldn't see him? Why else would Tyler be unable to visit Josh when he moved away?

 

Fuck. Josh was moving away. If Tyler could lie his way through this for the next few days maybe he'd finally be able to escape this damn ghost state or whatever the hell wad happening. Maybe he'd finally be able to go to up there. If he could just convince Josh that everything was going to be okay, maybe he could be okay to. But was Tyler ready to leave Josh? Absolutely not. He didn't want to say goodbye to him. But Josh was leaving regardless, so what Tyler wanted wasn't really going to be accounted for. And since Josh was leaving anyway, maybe Tyler could finally leave this place too—what he had wanted originally.

 

But truthfully, if Josh stayed around, Tyler wouldn't mind staying either. However, it was selfish of him to assume that Josh would stay with him. They weren't even together, technically. But Tyler knew Josh meant so much to him. He brought Tyler happiness in the dull world he was stuck living in.

 

"Hey, Ty?" Josh pulled him out of his thoughts, and he looked worried. "You okay? Kinda lost you for a second."

 

Ty.

 

God, what if Tyler really was going to be stuck here forever without Josh? What was he going to do? How was he supposed to be here?

 

"Y-yeah, sorry. Got distracted." He murmured.

 

Nodding, Josh bit his lip, his (extremely) white teeth on display slightly. "Can I tell you something, please?"

 

"You can tell me anything. Always." The brunette assured him.

 

Giving Tyler a nervous smile, Josh spoke quietly. "Well, I-um, I really like you. And honestly, I don’t know what I’m going to do without you.”

 

Tyler's eyes immediately began watering, and he didn't even think that was possible anymore. "Don't say that." He tried to ignore the way Josh's face faltered. "Not when you're leaving me so soon. Please. It's gonna make this worse." He practically begged, sitting up and moving away from Josh.

 

Sitting up as well, Josh's brown eyes filled with tears as well, but for a completely different reason. Did Tyler really not like him back? Why didn't Tyler feel the same? What went wrong? They had kissed and touched and Josh needed him. Why didn't Tyler feel the same?

 

"I like you." Tyler muttered, wiping the tears from his eyes, his chest suddenly feeling extremely tight.

 

This wasn't how this was supposed to go. If Tyler could've stuck around for another year, he would've met Josh and he would've been able to love him properly. But he couldn't. Nothing could ever work in his favor, right?

 

Josh's teary eyes looked up at him, hopeful. "Y-you do?"

 

He couldn't hold it anymore. If there was one person who deserved to know the truth, it was Josh. He didn't deserve to be lied to, especially not when he just confessed his love for him. God, he felt so guilty. Tyler hated this constant state of guilt he was in. When he was with Josh, the feeling usually was numbed, but now he couldn't escape it. This never should've happened. Josh didn't deserve this. Tyler loved him. He really did. But he was selfish and he didn't tell Josh the truth about him because he knew Josh would run away as soon as he found out. But now, there was only 4 days before his departure, and Tyler didn't have it in him to let Josh go without knowing who he really was.

 

"God, yes. I need you here just as much as you need me...maybe even more." He whispered, nodding, new tears flowing from his eyes. "But that's my name, Josh."

 

Confusion flooded Josh's features. "What?"

 

Tyler wished he could've actually died. He would have never have had to deal with telling Josh this and breaking his heart and he would never have to say goodbye. "I'm dead." He whispered. "Tyler Robert Joseph. That's my name."

 

Josh looked at him skeptically. "Are you seriously gonna tell me you're _dead_ when I just told you I liked you and needed you?” He questioned, more so exclaimed as he crossed his arms. "That's not funny, Tyler." He scowled.

 

Tyler heaved as he shook his head. "Fuck, Josh, I'm not kidding, I'm not kidding,"

 

Josh looked even more mad. "You're really crying right now? Are-are you using this as a distraction because you don't actually like me? Because you can just say that—"

 

"I'm not fucking lying!" Tyler cried out, starling Josh from the loud tone. "Do you have a computer? Look up my name, Josh! It's the first thing you'll see. '17 year old Tyler Joseph's body found in Alum Creek on December 6th, 2004.'" He repeated the title on the news about his case.

 

"That's in 4 days." Josh said quietly.

 

"Don't you think I know that?" He sneered. "I died the 5th. They just didn't find my body yet." He said in a softer tone.

 

"I don't believe you."

 

"Why do you think I've covered my grave up?" He questioned. "Why do you think I'm not cold right now in this weather? You know my skin is cold to touch, so shouldn’t I be bundled up or something? Did you ever wonder why you can't meet my family? Or-or why I see them and talk to them but they don't answer? It's because I'm dead, Josh."

 

None of this made sense. How could the boy he was in love with be dead? Tyler touched him and he most certainly felt it. He talked to Tyler everyday, and he seemed pretty real. This didn't make sense. Was he dreaming? He had to be.

 

"I don't understand. How come I can see you if you're-if you're dead?"

 

"I have no clue." He shook his head. "Your mom saw me too, remember? I don’t know why this is happening. God must have just have wanted me to meet you when I was alive but I fucked everything up."

 

"You fucked everything up? What do you mean?"

 

"I killed myself." He answered simply. Josh felt chills running down his spine.

 

"You-what?" Josh felt his eyes flooding with tears again.

 

"I swallowed a bunch of pills and then I jumped into the creek and let myself drown."

 

Josh could feel his throat closing. How could Tyler talk about this so casually? This wasn't something Josh could handle. Especially not right now. He was leaving Tyler anyway.

 

Was this even real? Was he just imagining Tyler the entire time? How the fuck was he talking to a dead person all of this time without realizing. This made no sense. None of this did. Josh didn't even realize he was hyperventilating.

 

"I gotta go." He whispered, shaking his head.

 

"No," Tyler grabbed his hand. It was so cold. "Please, Josh. Please."

 

"Let me go," Josh tried to pull away from his grasp, and Tyler held on tighter.

 

"Please," He begged, his voice cracking.

 

"Let me go!" He yelled, pulling his arm with much more force.

 

Tyler looked up at him with helpless, teary, eyes. This was it. Josh wasn't going to see him ever again. Was this the price he had to pay to go to heaven? To say goodbye to the person he actually loved? To say goodbye to the person who gave him happiness just by being around him? To say goodbye to the only person who could actually see him and feel him and touch him? Besides Josh’s mother, of course, but why was she able to see him when no one else was?

 

Tyler would sacrifice heaven any day to be with Josh. And that was love. The feeling he was feeling right now was worse than the feeling he felt right before he killed himself. He couldn't stand it. Why didn't he just die? Why couldn't he have just died like he was supposed to?

 

If God wanted to punish him, he was succeeding. Tyler honestly had no idea how he was supposed to fix this, how he was supposed to free himself. He loved Josh. Truly. That was really all Tyler thought about and had he known he would have such a limited amount of time with him, he might not have pursued any type of relationship—or whatever they were. Had he known that he would meet Josh in just under a year, he would have stayed alive. Surely.

 

As Josh walked away, all Tyler could feel was guilt. Guilt for not telling him in the first place, guilt because he loved him, guilt because he couldn't give Josh an actual relationship (because how much could he even give when he wasn't alive), guilt because he killed himself, guilt because was still this entity, or whatever the hell he was.

 

Tyler stared at his grave for a long time, wondering why he was still here, present on this earth. His body was withering away underneath of him, and one day, there would be nothing but bones left. There were probably bugs hiding in his decaying skin, crawling into his mouth and exploring his throat and crawling up his nose. He wondered how much of his body had decayed in the year, and he wondered how many organs of his were donated when they found his body. Could they even use his organs? Where they ruined after he drowned?

 

Bringing his knees up to his chest, Tyler released a soft cry as his buried his face into his hands. Why couldn't he just be dead? He had nothing else to stay around for when he was alive, but now he found his reason and it was too late. Too fucking late.


End file.
